Greener on the Other Side
by Villana Del Amor
Summary: Sequel to Half Empty, Half Full (please read for the complete back story). She had loved and she had lost, but through it all she had never stopped fighting for the happy ending. She wasn't about to start now, not after everything. *Picks up after the end of SOA*
1. 5 and Half Years Later

**Title**: Greener on the Other Side

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; the characters all belong to Kurt Sutter and FX.

**Summary**: Sequel to Half Empty, Half Full (please read for the complete story). She had loved and she had lost, but through it all she had never stopped fighting for the happy ending. She wasn't about to start now. *Picks up after the ending of SOA*

**Chapter 1**: 5 and a Half Years Later…

5 and half years. 66 months. 287 weeks. 2,007 days, and a half. 48, 180 hours. That's how long I was gone. How long I stared at those same 4 walls. How long I was alone. All the bribes, the connections, the death threats- none of those were good enough to lessen the hole I was in. Locked up for the majority of my day, restricted access to others. I was officially labeled a gang member. A murderer.

And so I did my time. Alone.

Was it selfishness? Was that why? I left his name off the visitor list on purpose. I couldn't force myself to write those 6 letters- ANDREW. He was my son and I couldn't face him behind a glass wall. I couldn't bear the thought of reaching out and not being able to touch him. And so when I called one day, and he wouldn't come to the phone, I stopped calling. I just let it eat me alive. I let it fester, until it didn't hurt anymore. Because I might as well have been dead. Hell, I was dead.

And with that, I gave up calling all together. The packages would arrive. The letters and magazines kept coming. I read every word, every sentence twice. It was my only connection to the world. Until he appeared on the other side of the glass wall.

I wasn't expecting him to come. I mean, I was his wife for Christ's sake. I should have known he would eventually visit. I just didn't think it would be the day after I had my face rearranged my another inmate. I picked up the phone, wincing as I lifted my arms to bring it to my face. "Chibs," I said, my voice hoarse from yesterday's physical events. "Love," he whispered, his brows furrowed together as he drank it all in. I knew going into this that my mouth and temper would be a problem. I knew I had a long road ahead of me the moment I walked into that prison yard. Stockton. I was definitely no longer in Charming.

The guards and the inmates had it out for me, being as I was now the infamous Stockton PD employee that was behind those bars with them. The club's lawyer tried to have me transferred, but we all knew it was an uphill battle. I was on their turf now. SOA's reach was limited here, I was a female. There were no club members there to protect me, and as much as Chibs greased the wheels, more red tape would appear.

"I'm okay," I whispered back, my voice starting to waiver. I blinked rapidly, feeling the tears start to rise to the surface, my face feeling hot. I cleared my throat and shook it off, trying to gather my bearings. I will not cry, I kept repeating to myself over and over again. I would not give them that pleasure.

Chibs sighed, his lips pursed as he studied my face. We sat in silence for what felt like forever, thinking of what to say next. What could possibly make this better? What could possibly be said now? Nothing. There was nothing. Literally. He had looked under every rock, every crevice. Jarry was gone. And so was I.

And that was the last time he came.

I didn't push. I didn't ask. Who could blame him? I was a lost cause until my number came up. And throughout those 5 years, I thought of the various ways I would kill her. How I was going to repay the favor back to her. Every single second behind those walls, that was all I could think about.

There's always a point in every story where the main character always wonders how the hell they got to that exact moment in their life. The point where there was no light at the end of the tunnel, where the car ran out of gas, and when they were ready to throw in the towel. I was there- multiple times. Hell, I was still there. I could easily say that I learned my lesson- that would be the smart thing to say. I learned my lesson, so now I'm ready to move on. But that would be a lie. I've told a lot of lies, and that would be the biggest one to date.

But I know how I got here- I put myself in this position. I know the exact moment when everything went wrong. I willingly signed up for this life, this shit. I fell in love. Multiple times. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic, or rather, a tragic one. And so I stood outside that jail and sighed, my eyes shut as the blazing sun assaulted me.

There I was, outside of that goddamn prison… 5 and a half years later. God, I am tired. When is enough, enough? At what point do I get the happy ending? At what point… can I just exist? But there I stood, my eyes shut as I leaned against the concrete wall that I had just spent the last couple of years drowning behind. I heard as he pulled up, stopping before me and using his foot to push out his kickstand.

As I stood there, I felt all those so called lessons start rushing back to me. I felt the fear, the excitement, the joy and sadness that all of those lessons brought back. I felt it all. Did I really change my ways? Did I really learn my lesson? I think not. I know I didn't, because when he stepped my way… I didn't hesitate. I didn't miss a step. I found his arms and I let myself get swept up in them.

Happy.

There I was, getting sucked back into it all. I wish I could box up those feelings that were rushing through me and explain that as his arms wrapped around me tightly, I began to feel freer. Does that even make sense? I'm sure it did to them. Wasn't that the entire reason behind their very existence? Do whatever makes you feel free?

In my utter bliss, I ignored the fact that he wasn't Chibs and there was no cut on his shoulders- the telltale hoodie zipped all the way up to hide any identifying markers. At that point, I should've known. Everything and nothing stays the same in Charming. "Jessie Mae," Happy whispered into my ear, his hard body pulled tightly against mine. "Happy," I said, burrowing my face into his shoulder and inhaling. Leather. Cigarettes. Engine grease. Sweat. Home.

I pulled away from him and we stared at each other, soft smiles on our faces. I noticed the new worry lines that appeared on his face, that time had started to age him, but his eyes... they were still the same. The years couldn't change that apparently. They were strong and quiet, but much like him, there was always a storm brewing behind them. "Welcome back, kiddo," he said, the smile now getting wider. "Not a kid anymore," I muttered, reaching up and running my fingers through my now waist length hair, the gray hairs glittering in the sunlight.

He reached over and ran his fingertips over the ends of my hair, his eyes half shut and a small grin on his face. "We missed you," he said, his hands finding mine and clasping them. Was this what I was supposed to be feeling? This excitement and nervousness all at once? The butterflies in my stomach felt like they had just done a line of coke in the bathroom, as they bounced around, reminding me that it was okay.

It was okay to smile, to breathe, to laugh again. It was okay to remove the scowl from my face and to actually be happy. Happiness- that's a feeling I can't even remember anymore. I can't honestly think about the last time I laughed or smiled, the last time… the last time I did anything except sit in that cell, read, workout, and ponder where exactly I went wrong.

"Let's go home," he said, his hand pulling me towards his bike. Home? Where was that? What was I going to be walking into? Who? Home was a concept I didn't understand anymore. I froze, my knees locking as he gently tugged on my hand. He turned back towards me and sighed. Happy stepped close to me, his hand on my elbow, his eyes staring intently into mines. "Listen, one step at a time, okay? We've all gone through this before. It'll take some time before things feel normal again."

Normal? Ha. I dug my fingernails into my palm, drawing in slow, deep breaths. I diverted my gaze away from him, trying to figure out my next move. "Jessie," he whispered, a concerned look on his face. Oh, right. I nodded, throwing him a smile to calm his worry. I was doing that thing again- I was disappearing into my thoughts.

A coping mechanism I had developed recently. After years of sitting in a cell alone, staying away from any other inmates or guards, I had picked up the habit of talking incessantly to myself in my head. Annoying when actually trying to talk to anyone else, but a self-preserving mechanism that I needed by year 2.

I snapped out of it and let Happy guide me onto his bike and that ride… oh man. That was a ride. The air enveloping my body, my hair flying behind me, the sound that drowned out the silence. Silence. That's what I had just spent the last 5 and a half years listening to. Nothingness, and it matched how I felt on the inside. Nothing.

I sighed, as we pulled off the highway and onto the empty streets. Silence. That's what filled the streets, not a soul in sight as we pulled into Charming and drove down the familiar neighborhoods. I simply assumed we were in Charming because that's where the club was, but much to my shock, we pulled up to my old house in Stockton.

I stood there, standing at the edge of the driveway and looked up at the house. That house- the house I thought I had a future in. The house I had written my entire life out of. The house that I loved and lost in. I brought a hand up to my face, blocking out the sun and observed the peeling paint, the dying rose bush in the front and the lone bike that was standing up against the side.

"Why are we here?" I asked, turning back to face Happy. "Jess," he began, but I already knew. The tone he spoke with explained it all. "A lot of things have changed since you've been gone." I scoffed, turning back to stare at the house. "Where are they?" I asked, wondering what was behind door #1. The house looked like no one had lived in it for years. It looked exactly how I had left it.

Happy leaned against his bike and nodded behind him. "Andy's at school. Should be out in a couple of hours. I usually grab him and bring him by. Chibs is out on a run," he said. I sighed, nodding slowly, my eyes never leaving the 239 that stood above the doorway to the house. "Ok. I have some time," I muttered to myself, absentmindedly.

I cleared my throat and took a step towards the house, Happy robotically mimicking my movements. I turned around and faced him, stepping in his way. "Can I do this one solo?" I asked, my stomach doing flips as I pictured what was waiting for me once I crossed that threshold. Happy watched my face, as if waiting for my facade to crack, but with time I learned to develop a really good poker face in prison. He nodded, smiling softly. "Call me if you need anything."

Happy slid his sunglasses back onto his face and climbed back onto his motorcycle. As he used his foot to kick out the stand, he turned his face towards me. "Heads up- the club wants to do a surprise thing for you tomorrow, so get ready to be ambushed," he said, before backing out of the driveway.

I stood there and watched him leave, contemplating my options. If I moved quick enough, I could pack a bag and leave now. Avoid SOA and whatever celebration they were planning for me. I could be out of town before the sun started to set. Or… I could stay and face them all. Face him. What the hell were we celebrating anyways? The 5 last miserable years?


	2. Everything and Nothing

**Chapter 2**: Everything and Nothing

I kept staring long after Happy was gone, probably already on the highway, my ears drinking in the old familiar sounds of the neighborhood. And when the silence became deafening, I finally gave in. I gripped the doorknob and drew in a deep breath before turning it and pushing the door open.

The floorboards creaked under my weight, as I stepped inside the house and let the door shut behind me. The house was still the same. It still smelled like stale cigarettes and lysol. Everything was covered in a fine layer of dust. The same pictures still hung on the wall. The same ratty, old blanket was thrown over the couch. I felt the floor shift under me as the front door closed behind me and the silence set in. I was afraid to move, my eyes studying every surface near me.

But some things were different. The shoes by the door were bigger. The toys that used to litter every corner were replaced by books. I sat down on the couch, slowly and carefully, as if I was afraid to disturb their home. Theirs, it didn't seem like it was mine anymore, it didn't feel like it. I picked up a shirt that was laying on the floor and studied it, running my fingers along the hem.

I don't know how long I sat there for, could've been minutes, felt like hours. The silence. The stillness. It all felt suffocating to me. I was so concentrated on the shirt between my fingers that I didn't hear him pull up. I felt my body stiffen as the gravel crunching under his footsteps broke through my daze and my new ingrained prison instincts kicked in.

I stood up and turned towards the door, my arms at my side and my fists clenched, never dropping the shirt. I was ready for whatever came through that door. I waited for what felt like forever, until I sensed him behind him. I turned around quickly, deathly afraid to have my back exposed to anyone, and my breath hitched in my throat when my eyes found him.

"Jessie Mae," he said, quietly. Chibs. I relaxed my arms, stretching out my neck. "I'm home," I said, weakly, throwing a small, forced smile on my face. He stepped towards me, the floorboards creaking under his weight. I took a step back, holding a hand up. He stopped, my eyes diverting to the floor. "Welcome home, love," he said, standing in front of me.

I sighed, closing my eyes and drawing in a deep breath. Get your shit together, come on. You can do this. Don't run away from it. The anxiety, nervousness, and fear were all building. I let the breath out slowly, opening my eyes and locking them with his. "I don't know how to do this," I half-whispered. I could only imagine that I sounded defeated, like a child that couldn't figure out how to do her homework. What a great way to start a marriage, half a decade later.

Okay, so when you're locked up in a prison where literally everyone from the guards to the prisoners are trying to murder you, you're limited in what you can spend your day doing. The only place where I knew I would be safe and the number of face to face interactions would be limited, was in the counselor's office. One on one voluntary therapy sessions, in a semi-decent, well-lit office. How could I pass? There was even lemon water! Turns out the weekly visits came in handy, she wrote me a nice letter of recommendation when my parole hearing came up.

It also turns out, that I listened. I didn't do much talking, but the caveat of getting out of my cell is that I had to sit there for an hour each week and listen to her talk. It went on and on, every week, but apparently some of it sunk in. That I would need to speak up. That it would all be overwhelming in the beginning. That I couldn't bottle it all up, or…. I would end up in prison again.

Chibs sighed, sitting down on the arm of the couch. He clasped his hands together, lacing his fingers and nodding slowly. "I know," he said, "we've all been there. It will take time." I sighed, following suit and sitting on the opposite side of the couch. "I don't know what I was expecting. Nothing really," I said. It was the truth. I was scared shitless, but I didn't know why.

I dared myself to look at him again, to study his face. And there he was- Chibs. I had chosen him 100 times over during the last 5 years. I had chosen them, time and time again. He nodded, motioning around him at the room. "Sorry for the mess. I've been meaning to get around to this place, but I've been busy," he said, standing up to face me. From my perch on the couch, he faced me fully, his cut eye level with me.

And that's when I saw it, the patch. PRESIDENT. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. "Jax?" I asked, already knowing the answer. The man lived and breathed for the club. Him no longer being president, meant only one thing. "A lot has happened since you've been gone." I felt a wave of anger rise inside of me. Why? Why did he drag us in deeper with the club? It was one thing to follow orders, it was another to give them.

I bit the side of my cheek, trying to calm myself down. I wish I could put myself in his shoes and understand the whys and hows, but I knew better than to question him at this point. What was done, was done. Blood in, blood out. "Where is he?" I said, putting the issue standing in front of me on the back burner. There were other things I needed to deal with first.

"He should be getting out of school soon. Prospect will take him over to the child care center with the rest of the kids until dinner, so you have some time," he said, pulling out his phone and glancing at the screen."The child care center?" I asked. He took a few steps away from me, motioning to the door. "Yeah, there's a spot we set up for the members and the girls. Drop the kids off there whenever we have a run or club business."

He began to inch closer and closer to the door, his hand never leaving the phone in his pocket. "I got to head out. Got some things to take care of," he said, turning on his heel and officially making his way to the door. I stood up, facing his back. So this was it? My big welcome home. I'm so glad you managed to stop by.

He froze, his hand on the knob, his head dropping low. Chibs turned, his bottom lip between his teeth. He cleared his throat and motioned around him. "I know this isn't how you expected things to be. What you expected to come home to," he said. I dropped my gaze, nodding slowly. You're right, this wasn't it. Honestly, I don't even know what I was expecting. I just want this all to be over.

Chibs closed the gap between us, his body inches away from mine. "I'm here, love. Just give me some time, time to sort some shit out. I'll come home and we'll talk. We'll go back to the way things were." I lifted my gaze and found his. His hands found mine and my heart skipped a beat. I placed my head on his chest, trying to find some comfort in his words.

Even after all the years, I was amazed to see he still looked the same. Yes, he was older. The hairs had gone white. The wrinkles had gotten deeper. His body had gotten tighter. But was I wrong to still see him as the same Chibs? I had changed, would he still see me as the same Jessie Mae?

A few moments passed by as I tried to dig my head out of my ass and formulate some type of response. Any response would've been better than what I said, but there I was- shoving my own head farther up my ass. "Okay." He sighed, his brows burrowing deeper. He dropped my hands and stepped back, I'm sure feeling utter disappointment at my response.

"I'll do better," I said to his back, as he stood in the open doorway. Chibs turned towards me and threw me a small smile, before walking out of the house. When I heard the roar of the bike, turn down the street, I released a breath I didn't even know I was holding. I found myself fidgeting with the shirt in my hand. Idle hands and what not.

I sighed, dropping the shirt and running my hands through my hair, trying to gather my thoughts. Where to begin? Should I start by questioning my sanity? Okay, fine. I won't. I'll spare myself the 20 or so years of therapy it would take to sort all of my shit out. Everything and nothing was still the same.


	3. Time and Time Again

**Chapter 3: **Time and Time Again

"Holy fuck." I sat around that damn house for what felt like hours, waiting for the next thing to happen. I know I should've been more mad, but it seems like I had accustomed very well to prison life- doing nothing and staring at the same 4 walls. There I was, fresh out of prison doing ... absolutely nothing. I rummaged until I found a pack of stale cigarettes and a half empty bottle of whiskey in the cupboard. I'm pretty sure they were mine, leftover from my last drinking binge.

I glanced at the clock, my eyes instantly rolling around into the back of my head. It was almost 9 o'clock in the evening. Where the fuck was everyone? Anyone? The silence was starting to get to me, so I turned the radio on, a soft rock lightly playing in the background as I walked into the bedroom, a lit cigarette dangling between my lips and four fingers of whiskey in my hand.

I rummaged through the pants on the floor, until I managed to scrounge up a few dollars. I guess pizza it is, since no one else bothered to feed the recently released convict a decent first meal home. I sighed, throwing back the whiskey and groaning. "Fuck," I grimaced, the foreign slow burn erupting in my throat and chest. How the hell did I use to do this before? Holy fuck. He said he would be back tonight. That we would talk. Yeah, okay. I'm sure he forgot about me just as soon as he walked out that fucking door. I dropped onto the couch, my feet up on the coffee table, as I stared aimlessly at the tv.

I woke up a few hours later, the pizza half eaten, the whiskey bottle empty. And there he was, asleep a few inches away from me on the couch. I sat up, my body sore from the awkward sleeping position I had just took part in. "Chibs," I said, softly, reaching over and shaking his thigh lightly. He opened his eyes, glancing up at me, a small smile on his face.

"Hey, love," he half-whispered, his voice hoarse. "What time is it?"I asked, standing up and stretching my body out. "Early," he said, shoving his phone back into his pocket. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, my mouth dry. He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and drawing me into him. "I'm sorry," he whispered, he mouth on my throat.

I felt myself start to stiffen, as his beard scratched against my skin. Come on, girl. Don't start to freak out. This is what you wanted, right? This is what you spent the first year thinking about. Coming back home to him. I sighed, reminding myself to keep it together. "I know, this isn't what you were expecting to come home to. I dropped the ball, things came up…" His hands began to trail down my arms.

"It's okay," I replied, trying to clear my mind and enjoy the moment. I pushed down the anxiety that was rising in me. The millions of questions I wanted to ask right now. The millions of answers I needed at this very moment. But I clenched my eyes and I buried them deep, along with the trauma I had experienced the last couple of years.

His hands went further south and stopped at my waistband. Fuck. I flinched. I didn't mean to, but I just couldn't stop myself. I felt him take a step back and drew in a breath. "Jessie Mae," he said. God, the way he said my name. I had spent so many countless nights imagining him whispering it into my ear, but this… this was not what I wanted. The pity between each syllable. The millions of questions I'm sure he now wanted to ask. The millions of answers I didn't want to give.

"Just do it," I spat out, wanting to get it over with. Yes, I had spent countless nights imagining how his hands were going to feel on me- in the beginning. But as my release date grew closer and closer, I realized I was afraid. Of not being good enough. Of not measuring up to the woman I was- a ghost. Jessie Mae Telford was dead. I wasn't the same anymore. Would that be good enough for him? This was a band aid I just needed to be ripped off.

"No!" He exclaimed, turning me around and forcing him to look at me. I threw myself at him, tugging on his shirt and trying to disrobe him. I reached for his pants, trying to open them. Chibs grabbed my wrists and drew them together, placing them on his chest. "Stop it," he said, as I struggled to remove myself from his grasp.

I could feel my hands going numb as he dug his fingers into my wrists, the fight starting to leave me. "I know you think you were doing the right thing, leaving me off your visitor list. You kept me from you, all those years. They didn't- you did. I have no idea what's happened to you, what hell you've been through, but I do know that this is not what you want. Not like this." My hands dropped as he let go of me, running a hand over his face.

I could feel the anger building, the rage inside of me eager to explode. One thing about me sure hadn't changed, I was still just as self destructive as ever. I shoved him, cursing the very second he had walked into my life. I was mad. At him, at everyone, but most of all- myself. I continued shoving him, punching and clawing at his chest. Not once did he fight back, or push me away. He just took it, as I pinned him against the kitchen wall and berated him.

And he took it all, every blow, until I had no more fight left in me. I collapsed against his chest, crying hysterically, angry at it all. "Shush, love. It's going to be okay. I'm here now," he whispered, running his hands through my hair. We stood there with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, as I cried out 5 years worth of anger and pain. I pulled away, breathless, wiping the tears from my face.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice small, "I just…." Chibs reached out and pulled me towards him, his hand on the small of my back. "Can I kiss you? Hold you?" He asked, drawing my hand to his chest. I nodded, allowing him to bring his face close to mine. "You lead, baby girl," he said. He'll follow. I reached up to his face, running my fingertips on his lips, trying to put myself in his shoes. How had the last 5 years treated him? I could only imagine that they were just as bad as mine were. A part of me wished they were just as bad, if not worse.

I lifted my face and kissed him tenderly, almost as if it were the first time again all over again. The butterflies in my stomach, reminded me of that fateful night behind the clubhouse, the night that set the rest of my life in motion. He kissed me back, the smell of his cologne and cigarettes enveloping me. As the kiss went on, I relaxed my body, starting to crave him more and more.

He pulled away from me, his eyes finding mine. "My love," he whispered, his hands reaching up and brushing back the hair from my forehead. I vibrated at the feel of his calloused fingertips on my skin. "You're as beautiful as the day I married you." God, this man… it was like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. "Tell me..." There it went, the quiet voice again. I cleared my throat, forcing myself to stare back into his eyes and to speak up. "Tell me you still want me." I blinked back tears, trying to steady myself. This was not the moment to lose my shit. Again.

Chibs smiled. "I want you more now than ever," he replied, reaching down and crushing his mouth against mine. I kissed him back, clawing at his shirt. I needed to feel him, feel his skin against mine. He pulled my shirt off and I could feel his eyes skimming my broken body. What once used to be beautiful, was now covered by lingering bruises and scars from the last 5 years. Chibs picked me up, dropping me on the kitchen table, as he pushed everything on it to the floor.

I ripped my jeans off, as he unbuckled his. Within moments, he was between my legs, his fingers entering me. I arched my back, moaning and grinding against his hand, as I gripped the table with my fingers. He reached up and brought my face to his, gripping the back of my head and staring into my eyes. "Tell me you want this," he said, smashing his mouth against mine and kissing me roughly. My response was a moan against his mouth, as I reached over and brought his body closer to mine.

"Tell me," he said, his hand now caressing my face. "I want you," I said. How could I not? I gave up my entire life for him, for his club, his world. I could no longer describe myself without him. I leaned back on the table, letting him slide inside me. I felt my legs shake as he filled me, a feeling that was both scary and pleasurable to me. I shut my eyes, as I wrapped my legs around him, his fingers digging into my thighs. I pushed down all the vivid images of the hell I experienced at the hands of the prison guards. I promised myself that this was nothing like that. He was different from the chaos that consumed me for far too long. He was mine.

I forced myself to look at him, how his hair clung to the sweat on his forehead and forced myself to confirm that he wasn't them- an animal. I watched as he moaned, throwing his head back, his hips digging into mine. The rise and fall of his chest, as he moaned. I rose up to meet his every thrust, until he collapsed on top of me, breathless. "Did you...?" He asked into my shoulder, trying to catch his breath. I shook my head. No, I can't seem to get my head out of my ass long enough to keep it together. Can't even muster a goddamn orgasm.

He pulled away from me, a scowl on his face. Chibs put his pants back on, his brows furrowed together. "I'm sorry," I half-whispered, as he drew me into a hug. This was it, huh? The beginning of the end. I couldn't even let the man say he dicked down his wife on her first night home. Jesus fucking Christ. He held me tight, running a hand up and down my back. "Jessie Mae, what happened darling?" He asked, his head lost in my hair.

I pulled away from him, hopping off the table and walking to the fridge. I pulled a beer out of it, popping the top off and downing half of it in one single breath. He watched me as I paced in the small kitchen, frustration oozing out of my pores. "What happened?" He asked, more forceful this time. Chibs stepped towards me, he wasn't dropping this. I faced him, my eyes wild. "What the fuck didn't happen, Chibs?" I yelled, throwing the beer across the room.

He didn't budge, his arms crossed over his chest as he waited for an answer. "Tell me," he demanded and I laughed in response. "Tell you? Tell you what? How I was locked up like a fucking dog and tortured every god damn day? How they fucking beat and raped me on every day that ended in a fucking Y?" I screamed back. I saw his face fall as I began to sob. He took a step towards me and I held my hands up. "Don't you fucking dare," I yelled. "Don't look at me with your pity."

I leaned against the counter, trying to hold myself up as I failed miserably to choke down the sobs. When my legs gave way, he picked me up like the broken child I was and carried me into the bedroom. He held my head on his chest as I cried, until the tears ran dry. My fingers found their way to his beads, rubbing each one as I silently wished for it all to be over. The pain. The fear. The angst. I had never been good at dealing with any of it. That's what had driven me to drugs and alcohol time and time again.

And here I was, once again. Knee deep in this shit.


	4. Earn It

**Chapter 4: **Earn It

My hands were shaking, so I grabbed onto my thighs, hoping Chibs wouldn't notice the nerves eating me up. He glanced over to me, throwing me a small smile as he turned the club's shitty old sedan into Teller-Morrow. I felt the bottom of my stomach tense up as I was assaulted by the old familiar setting. He hadn't said much about the club or how things had changed yet, so I was confused as to what we were doing here. I thought we were picking up Andy from the so-called child care center. Whatever the fuck that was.

"What are we doing here?" I asked, hoping this was not the surprise whatever-the-fuck they were planning for me. It was 10 o'clock in the morning. All I wanted was more coffee and cigarettes, a good book to read and a corner to curl up in. Maybe throw in a real breakfast, not that fake egg shit from prison, and of course- my son. He parked and turned the car off, lighting a cigarette.

"We've made some changes, taken precautions. We've had a bloody 5 years, Jessie. Shit had to change," he said. I could imagine. I had heard rumblings about all the deaths that had happened while I was gone, people I thought were going to outlive us all. "So after we rebuilt the club house, we turned it into a community center. So the kids and old ladies have a spot for them when we're on the road or doing jobs. Prospects run the shop, clubhouse is a few ways down the road. We don't shit where we eat," he said.

"You became president," I added. There goes the million questions again. Pesky little buggers, seems like they weren't going away. I reached over and took the lit cigarette from between his finger tips, putting in between my lips and drawing a long pull. "I never thought it would end this way. Me, pres. Tig, v.p. Never in a million years." And yet, here we are. Digging a hole, deeper and deeper.

"How has his life been? Gemma and Wendy… how has he been?" I managed to push those words out as I felt my throat tightening. I had pretended like he didn't exist without me for far too long. I looked in the side view mirror at the building behind us, silently freaking out about the now nine year old that was inside. My baby. Well, he was a baby when I left him- 3 years old. Now… he was different. "Good. We made sure of it. He was taken care of, didn't want for anything." I took another pull from the cigarette, my eyes burning from the smokey interior. "Tell me about him. What his days are like."

Chibs cleared his throat, laughing quietly. "School. Plays on the baseball team. Then he usually heads over here, does homework. Lyla makes sure to feed them all a decent dinner. Then he goes home. Shower and bed." I scoffed. "Home? That place isn't a home, Chibs. A kid deserves a real home," I said, feeling guilt. He didn't have a home because of me. "I didn't keep my promise, Jess."

I turned to look at him slowly. Which one? There were so many promises made, too many to count right now. "Chibs, what are you talking about?" He sighed, turning to face me, a sad smile on his face. "I told you I would take him out of Charming, keep him far away from the club." I scoffed, shaking my head. "Why the fuck would you do that?" Like I needed to ask. There it was- the tug of war between the club and his family. "When everything went down with Jax, we moved into his house. I needed to be close by if anything ever happened. So he spends most nights at home with me or at Happy and Vicky's." Shit really had changed. Happy and Vicky were still going at it? Wow. Never thought that man would settle down long enough.

"He's a happy kid. Good kid, does well in school. Has lots of friends. You would be proud of him," he said. But would he be proud of me? I flicked the finished cigarette out of the window and drew in a deep breath, leaning my head against the seat behind me. "How do I do this, Chibs? Just walk back in after 5 years and pretend like nothing's happened? Pretend that I'm not a stranger to this kid?" For the longest, it had been just me and him, and now it was him and this entire world I was no longer a part of.

"A kid never forgets his mother, that love and bond they have. We would never let that happen. Not to you; not after everything," he said. "Does he know I'm coming?" Chibs nodded, motioning behind him. "They all know. Lyla set up a breakfast for you guys. Take some time, feel him out. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen, love. We're gonna give you all the space and support you need." He opened the car door and I followed suit, trailing behind him as he walked into what used to be the clubhouse.

It was well lit and clean, with children sized versions of furniture strewn about. The room froze as I walked in, the several women turning towards me and throwing me small smiles. Prospects standing behind what once used to be the bar, nodding at Chibs. I threw back small smiles, not exactly sure what I should be doing in return. I followed Chibs back towards the kitchen, where the smells of a proper breakfast were wafting about.

Lyla stood at the doorway, turning around throwing me a smile. Damn, that woman hadn't aged a day. "Welcome home," she said, wrapping her arms around me. "Thanks," I said back, my eyes fixated on the table in the kitchen. There he was. My boy. Chibs sat down next to him, running a hand through his hair. "Hey, kiddo," he said, "someone is here to see you."

I don't know how I made it, my legs felt like they were going to give out at any second, my heart was jumping in my chest. But somehow, I was able to cross that great divide between us and hold him in my arms. I wish that hug would have lasted the 5 years I did in prison, but after a few minutes he was pulling away. Probably the lack of air.

And so, I sat at that table, and had a semi-decent breakfast with my boys. In that moment, nothing else mattered. In that moment, there was no fear, no questions, there was nothing and everything at that same moment. I drank in all his mannerisms, how he spoke, how he smiled. I wished I could bottle it up and keep it with me, try to erase the time that had passed between us.

I leaned against the doorway and watched as he ran out of the room, running outside to the playground and playing with the other kids. "Is he safe?" I asked Chibs, my eyes never leaving him. "Aye," he responded, appearing behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. "I wouldn't have it any other way, love."

"What happens next?" I asked, turning to face him, pulling his arms away from me. What did happen next? Did I suddenly become suzy homemaker? Or maybe just the new Gemma? What was expected of me? Fuck, here goes the million questions. "One day at a time, sweetheart." He said, his phone vibrating in his pocket. Chibs reaching down and glanced at the screen, scowling and shoving it back in. "I gotta go," he said, giving me a quick peck on the cheek.

And with that he was gone. Club business. I knew better than to ask, just stepping aside and letting him walk around me. I leaned against the doorway, watching everyone around me. I watched as fully patched members walked in and out, dropping off kids and their old ladies. The faces were new, but the cuts were the same. And in the middle of it all, Lyla was calling the shots.

I watched as they all took their cue from her, waiting on her direction on what needed to be done. She was the new Gemma. Ha, well I'll be damned. Who would've thought the card would fall like that? The porn queen was now the new club queen. I chuckled to myself, as I walked over and sat on a bar stool, a prospect appearing by my side and filling up a cup with coffee.

"How ya doing?" She asked, dropping onto the stool next to me. I lit a cigarette and contemplated the various responses I had for that question. Eh, I'm okay. I'm losing my shit silently. I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing. I woke up this morning and hid in the bathroom, pacing until I tired myself out. I'm fucking great, like Tony the motherfucking tiger. "I'm good. Settling back in." Yep, that one would probably go over best.

Lyla nodded, giving me a small smile. "Well, we're here to help. Whatever you need. We're here for you," she said. Oh, such a sweet girl. Blah. "So this is your gig now, huh?" I asked, seeing as she was fully clothed. "Yeah, I guess you could say that the club diversified. I run this center, Venus manages Caracara now. The prospects handle the garage and the other old ladies take turns running the other businesses- some mom and pop stores, some apartment complexes." My, oh, my. Chibs had been busy. On paper, this club was actually starting to look legit.

"Shit really has changed," I muttered, stubbing my cigarette out. Andy appeared beside me, wrapping his arms around me. God, I could not get over that feeling. "So I told the kids I would take them to an early movie, if you don't mind," Lyla said, hopping off the bar stool. I nodded, looking down at Andy and running a hand through his hair. "Sure, that would be nice," I replied, 3 other children appearing behind him. Piper, Kellie and Kenny. I sighed, genuinely happy to see him surrounded by kids his age- kids who were also growing up in this life. "I can drop you off wherever, on the way to the theater."

I shook my head, holding up a hand. "Na, I'm good. I'll just have one of the prospects drop me off. Give me some time to settle in." I hugged Andy goodbye and watched him walk out with them, a prospect trailing behind them. A short drive later, I found myself in Jax's old house, feeling awkward as fuck. Something about living in a dead man's house that didn't sit right. The fact that Chibs was now his replacement, literally and figuratively.

The house was well maintained. I give Chibs props for that. It was clean and organized, and it actually looked like a home. Pictures lined the walls, toys were in all the corners, and clothes were littering about. It smelled like Chinese food leftovers and Lysol. It smelled like a home. I wandered about, drinking in their life without me. Chibs had managed to pull it all together. Give him a decent life, without me. What would it look like now that I was back?

I stepped inside what I could only assume was Chibs' room- SOA shirts and sweaters laying on the floor. Smelled like him- cigarettes and car grease, a smell I could never get enough of. That smelled like home. I crawled under the covers, drawing them up to my nose, and I inhaled. I don't know how long I laid there for, but I fell asleep, waking to footsteps inside the house. I opened my eyes, not moving, fear causing me to hold my breath. I heard talking and laughter, kids playing. I released my breath, pulling the covers off.

It was time to get this over with. My welcome home celebration. I glanced quickly in the mirror, finger brushing my hair into place and rearranging my clothes. I put on my best fake smile, opening the door and bracing myself. The house was packed with members, their old ladies and their kids. I made my way through the room, saying my hellos and accepting their hugs. As I made my way around, I realized there were a lot of new faces. New prospects, new nomads, and new fully patched members. Seems like things didn't miss a beat in Charming.

I ended up on the couch, drinking a lukewarm beer, while everyone milled around me. I watched as the old ladies threw me small smiles, the look of pity written all over their faces. I grinned and took it, knowing that this was just a phase. I watched as Vicky and Happy sat cuddled up on the opposite couch, laughing to themselves. A pang of jealousy rose in me. When would I be the normal one? Even with the patch on his back and the dirty deeds on his conscious, he still managed a semi-normal relationship- or at least what appeared to be one. Even though I was slightly jealous, I was proud of him and her. Him, for managing to commit to someone. Her, for managing to survive the club. Maybe I could do this after all?

I found myself outside, sitting on an old picnic bench- a cigarette between my fingers and a fifth of whiskey at my feet. "Hello, darling," a southern voice sang behind me. I smiled to myself. Finally, a true friend. I turned, standing up, arms open. "Hello, babygirl," I replied. Venus stood there, a shit-eating grin on her face, as beautiful as ever. We closed the gap between us and embraced. She kissed my cheek softly, brushing back the hair from my face. "Welcome home!"

We sat down on the picnic table, side by side, sharing the cigarette. "It's good to see you," I said, leaning against her and putting my head on her shoulder. "It's finally good to see another fucking real woman around here," she replied. I sighed as we caught up on what had transpired in my absence. How she and Tig made it official. She was living in Charming now, at his apartment, and running Caracara.

"So tell me, what are the rumor mills spinning nowadays? These old ladies keep giving me the glances and I can see them standing in corners talking about me. They all keep clear of me," I said, passing her the whiskey. I watched her glance down at the bottle, drawing in a deep breath before taking a swig. "You know what it means to be the pres' old lady. In general, any old lady. It's a fucking blessing and curse, just like taking a dick in the ass," she responded.

"You've adjusted? Charming isn't so bad, once you get over all the bullshit you seem to always be knee-deep in," I said, lighting another cigarette. She shrugged, staring off into the distance. "It's okay now, I guess. In the beginning they wouldn't even talk to me, still don't I guess. Poor Tiggy, he tries to make it work. Tried to get them to welcome me as one of their own, but they can't see past the giant cock between my legs."

I reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Charming has a habit of chewing people up and spitting them out. Don't take it personal," I said, knowing how hard it is to be the outsider in a town as small as this. She sighed, biting her bottom lip. "I know, I'm an outsider. The club has their brothers, forged from battle and all that other shit they are always up to. The old ladies, they have their code, but I can't be like all those fake bitches in there, hun. I gotta tell you something because if it's one thing I've learned so far from living in Charming, is that secrets always have a way from coming out at the wrong moment." I raised an eyebrow, listening to the sad way she spoke.

"I tell you this, not because you need to react or do anything with this information. But because I'm going to offer you the personal decency the idiots of this town didn't to me," she said. I turned to face her, worried about whatever truth she had in her head. "Venus, what's going on? You're starting to scare me." She sighed, throwing me a soft smile. "The reason they walk around on eggshells around you is because while you were gone Chibs was bedding that Lyla chick. You know- the skinny, perky one. They were playing house all along.."

My heart skipped a beat as I processed what she said. "Apparently, the night you came home, she made a big stink over at the clubhouse. You know- questioning his priorities and shit." My body froze, feeling like the world was spinning around me a 100 miles per hour. So that's why he disappeared all them hours. I reminded myself to breathe, drawing in and out slow breaths. "I know," I whispered back, my voice unsteady. Venus raised an eyebrow, as I blinked back tears. "Prison clause," I said quietly, brushing back tears that had managed to escape.

"What?" I knew that time would go on without me. That men were men, and 5 years was a pretty long time. "The old wives and the club, they have these stupid archaic rules they follow. The prison clause- you're in prison, you can fuck whoever you want to," I answered. Venus scoffed, shaking her head. "I didn't know. They don't fucking talk to me," she said. I laughed, running a hand over my face. "I also guess they didn't tell you that the men think it's okay to fuck anything with a pulse while they are on the road. Just keep that shit out of sight."

She turned to me, her eyebrows scrunched together and scowled. "The fuck they did," she said. I sighed, grabbing the whiskey from her and taking a swig. "I felt bad, you know. I heard about you coming home and he wasn't even there for you. Too busy dealing with that tramp instead of making you feel welcome." I leaned back and laughed, a whole heartedly laugh. Venus watched me, as the laughs became sobs.

She wrapped her strong arms around me and held me, as I clung to her for life. Venus rubbed my back, as I cried softly into her chest. It wasn't the fact that Lyla and Chibs had something going on while I was gone. It was the irony of it all. While I was getting raped by guards and inmates, Chibs was in the loving, tender arms of Lyla. Venus shushed me, whispering positive things into my ear.

When I calmed down, she pulled away from me, brushing back the hair stuck to my forehead. "Come on, sweet darling. Don't let these bitches see you cry. They didn't earn those tears, so don't spill them or people who don't even matter," she said. I smiled, nodding. "You go back in there, you slap a big smile on your face, and let them know that this life ain't finished with you yet."

God, I needed to hear that from someone outside of all of this shit. Someone who wasn't blinded by the lure of the club, the lure of belonging to the cult that Charming was. "Thank you," I said, drawing in a deep breath. We went back into the house, her hand on my shoulder, as someone passed me a beer and I chugged it down. I plastered a smile on my face and pretended like the last 5 years hadn't happened.

I had already earned my stripes. It was now their turn.


	5. Dark Days are Ahead

**Chapter 5: **Dark Days are Ahead

I wandered around the house, picking up empty cups and beer bottles, dropping them in the large trash bag in my hand. I tried my hardest to keep it together, but by the wee hours of the morning, my facade was starting to crack. It was exhausting to keep that smile on my face as I watched her walk around the party and chat it up with everyone. I drew in deep breaths along with every shot I downed, trying to quiet all the unspoken thoughts in my head. At some point, I passed out and ended up in my bed. Thank God.

I woke up this morning, hung over as fuck. How the hell did I use to do this before? My head was spinning, and I felt like I was going to throw up as I walked around the house. I sighed, dropping onto the couch, my stomach doing somersaults. "You okay?" Chibs asked, walking into the living room as he buttoned up his shirt, his wet hair clinging to his forehead. "Yeah, I'm good," I replied. No, the fuck I'm not. I'm living in a house I'm pretty sure my husband's mistress decorated.

"You seemed… distant last night," he said, sitting down on the chair across from me and lighting a cigarette. You mean after I found out about you and Lyla? Or maybe after you tried to get into my pants, but I pretended to be too drunk to function? "I'm… still adjusting to it all, I guess." I heard him sigh and I lifted my eyes to him. We held the stare for a few beats, and I could only imagine that we were both silently screaming what we really wanted to say to each other. Well, I know that I was at least.

"If this is about the other night, it's okay. We'll get past it," he said, breaking the silence between us. I could feel my anger starting to rear its ugly head, as he brought that moment back up. "And what if we don't?" I spat out, sitting up in my seat, facing him head on. Would you run to Lyla? Was I expected to just sit back and let this all happen?

I know the version of me from 5 years ago would have probably just smacked her around at the party, done whatever self-destructive thing would've made me feel good at that moment. But God is my witness, I was trying to change. It would've been so much easier to just act up and be remorseful afterwards, but at least this time I was trying to be a different person.

"Jessie…" Would I be wrong if I reached across the gap between us and smacked that stupid look off his face? "I'm tired and hungover. I'm gonna go lay down," I said, standing up and walking out of the room. That seemed like the better solution to everything. Clearly he didn't agree, as he appeared in the doorway, signaling that our conversation was not over.

"I'm not going anywhere. Whatever the issue is, we'll work through it, but you need to talk to me," he said, leaning against the open door. Talk. That pesky little word the prison psychiatrist kept repeating to me. Talk. Apparently, I was supposed to open up and express myself in healthy ways. No more drinking and drugs. Maybe go for a run. Take up knitting or painting. Meditate. I ran a hand over my face as I thought about how horrible those options sounded. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I am mad. All the time. At everyone and everything. At myself," I said, quietly. I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself, refusing to make eye contact with him. "Why?" He asked. I laughed at his response, my fingers gripping the wooden dresser in front of me. "If you won't fucking talk to me, how are we supposed to make this work?" I snapped, reaching over and knocking everything off the dresser. His tone- he was upset! At me! I turned to him, my chest rising and falling fast. "Why don't you talk to me, Chibs? Tell me all about how you somehow managed to get us deeper into the shit that surrounds us? About how we are fucking living in Jax's house? Or maybe about you and fucking Lyla playing house?" I yelled at him.

Chibs took a step towards me and I held my hands up. "Unless the answer is- a gun was to my head, I don't want to fucking hear it," I spat out. I motioned around me, waving wildly. I know I said I was hungover, but God, a drink would be good right now. Anything at this point to quiet the anxiety building up inside me. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to slow down my unraveling. I glanced in the mirror behind me, and realized that he was sitting quietly on the bed, as if waiting for me to say something.

I didn't trust myself to say anything that wasn't meant to hurt or dig at him, so I clamped my lips shut and stared back at him, but what I really wanted to do was say whatever would make him feel as shitty as did. I turned to face him, my hands gripping the dresser behind me. I wasn't going to let him walk away from this, avoid me. If I had to face Charming and the shitstorm that was my life currently, he was going to have to face me.

"I…," he said, drifting off as if he was breathless. He locked eyes with me, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. "You shut me out. I was lonely. Stressed with everything that was going on. She was… there. She was always there. She didn't need or want anything. She was just always there. And I… just let it happen. I…" A laugh erupted from within me. Was he trying to blame me for this? I reached out and slapped him, the sound echoing off of the empty house.

"You were lonely. You were stressed…" I said, my body shaking as I yelled at him. "You were fucking WEAK!" At this point, I was crying hysterically, my chest heaving up and down as I struggled to breathe. He sat there, looking pitiful as ever, just nodding at me. "I fucking spent 5 years… in that hellhole. Reliving my worst nightmares over and over again, and you… you were fucking lonely, and stressed."

"I was scared and alone," he cried, his voice choked as he spoke. I couldn't help but chuckle. Scared and alone. He was fucking scared and alone? Quiet lingered between us for what felt like forever. I sure as hell wasn't going to say anything. He hadn't earned it yet. Scared and alone. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. I could write a thesis on scared and alone. Several of them. At this point, I had a doctorate in scared and alone.

I pushed away from the dresser, walking over to the closet and changing into clothes that didn't smell like a barroom floor. "Where are you going?" He asked, quietly, as I neared the door. I turned towards him, throwing him a sarcastic smile. "To be alone," I spat out before walking out of the room.

I jumped into my old truck, the dust that had settled inside during my absence, swirling around me. I drew in a deep breath, silently praying to all the gods I could think of that the keys were where I always left them. "Fuck, yes," I whispered, as they fell down from the visor. Their absence would've made my dramatic exit an epic failure, as Chibs stood in the front doorway watching me. The truck roared to life as I stepped down on the accelerator and floored it out of the driveway.

I drove with no destination in mind, ultimately ending up at some shit hole bar. I sat down at the bar and stared at the two fingers of whiskey I ordered, wondering if I was ready to go down this path again. I lit a cigarette and stared at that glass, thinking back to all of the times I had drank myself into a blackout. I thought about how the glass bottles always led to the plastic ones full of pills. How it was all a slippery slope for me.

At that moment, I just wanted to do whatever would take away the angst filling me up inside currently. The prison shrink said I had to redirect my urges to automatically hit the self-destruct button. She had asked me once- what was I going to do if I came out of prison and everything was the same? What would I do if I came out and my world was falling apart?

I didn't have an answer for her. I never did the countless times she had asked. I only had 2 default actions when I couldn't whatever hole I dug myself into- drink or run. Prison was my safety net for the last 5 years. I shut myself out from the rest of the world, limited myself to those walls. But the world went on. I sighed, realizing that if I took that drink, in my current frame of mind, it wouldn't be only that drink. It would be an entire bottle and eventually that wouldn't just cut it for me.

And running wasn't an option anymore. Andy was old enough now, and he had a life. He mattered more than anything else. I pushed the drink away from me, standing up and walking out of the bar.

I knew he was shocked to see me still awake when he entered the house. Andy had been asleep for hours and dinner was long over. I was dozing off on the couch with the news on, when I heard him pull into the driveway. Chibs let out a long sigh, walking over to the television and turning it off. "A part of me was scared that you weren't coming back," he said, sitting down on the chair across from me.

I scoffed, sitting up on the couch and running a hand over my face. "I'm on parole, remember?" Oh, I had thought about it. I could've grabbed Andy and taken off, but then I would probably spend the rest of my life on the run, depriving Andy yet again of a normal life.

"You're right, I was weak. I couldn't do the time. I couldn't stand you pushing me away, so I did whatever I could to hurt you, distract myself from everything happening around me. It was selfish and stupid. I could've picked anyone, but I chose her, knowing you would have to see her every day," he said. I nodded, listening to him speak.

"I took that deal, I did the time- so that our lives could be better. So that you could breathe again, so that this club could somehow survive. I married you. I chose you. I didn't choose this life. The one where I become the old lady to the club president. The one where I come home to you and your side piece. This is what you do? You wasted 5 years," I said, my voice flat and quiet. I was tired of being angry all the time. Tired of struggling to keep it all together.

"You pushed me out, remember? You and Jax came up with that brilliant idea on your own. I find out after the fact. You then proceeded to push me away. Sweet heart, you wasted 5 years, not me. I tried to make the best of it," he spat out. I laughed out loud at his rationale, not trying to hide that fact that I thought he was being ridiculous.

"I'm gonna stay at the clubhouse for a bit. Make yourself at home," he replied, standing up from his seat and walking towards the door. Apparently, he didn't find our conversation as humorous as I did. I sighed, laying back down on the couch. I watched him walk out that door and I briefly wondered if he would ever come back, along with the good days.


	6. Welcome Home

**Chapter 6**: Welcome Home

It had been several days since I had last seen him. I knew he still alive- the prospect showed up with a bag of groceries and a stack of cash yesterday. I didn't ask any questions, just glared at him as he walked into the living room and deposited the bag at my feet. "He just needs some time to cool off, darling," Venus said, as I refilled her cup of coffee.

We sat at the kitchen table, catching up on the events that had transpired over the last week. "I thought about it. Put myself in his shoes. He's mad about me taking the deal and then pushing him out. He's probably upset at himself, he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I can't see past it, V. I am trying to find a way out of this hole, and I can't. I don't see any solution to this," I said, sitting down across from her. I didn't. Everytime I thought about it, I only ended up working myself into a fit.

"Can I ask, or rather do I dare ask- what is it that you're trying to solve exactly? Chibs and Lyla? Living in Jax's house?" She asked, stirring sugar into her cup. I sighed. "I don't even know, honestly. I'm just mad at everything and everyone. Myself more than anything for just feeling so lost," I replied, finally admitting that I had no fucking clue what I was doing with my life. "I spent the last couple of days, alone in this house. Cleaning, cooking, trying to make some resemblance of a normal life for Andy. Doing homework, laundry, whatever makes the time fly by. But none of it is for myself. I have no purpose."

Venus sighed, reaching over and taking my hand in hers. "Sweetie, every once in a while a girl needs to reinvent herself, put on a different pair of heels to kick the world's ass in. You've done it before and you'll do it again. Don't be so hard on yourself," she said. I nodded. She was right. I had run away from Charming before, started a new life, only to come back again. I know I had said I wouldn't run anymore, but there was nothing wrong with me starting over again. "Where do I begin? How do I get past all of this?"

She reached over and slid yesterday's rolled up newspaper across the table towards me, tapping it lightly. "Start small. Find something to take up your time. Find a new passion. But first, go find your man," Venus said. I glanced down at the newspaper and nodded slowly. "What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if I can't measure up to the girl I used to be? The girl he married?" I whispered.

"Sweetheart, a tiger can't change her spots, or whatever the fuck the saying is. You are still that same girl, just a few years older now. You got some mileage on you, it's going to take a while to get over the jetlag." I laughed at how she smushed everything together, but she was right. I was never any good at dealing with angst. I wanted everything to be over the moment I was starting to get uncomfortable. It's why I had developed such a bad habit of running away. But this time I couldn't.

* * *

"You okay?" He asked, dropping down next to me on the wooden bench outside of St. Thomas. "Yeah, I think so," I said, looking over at Happy through my sunglasses. "I was dropping off Vicky when I saw you," he said. "We haven't had a chance to talk since you got back." I raised an eyebrow at him, chuckling to myself. "Yeah, shit's been a little hectic the last couple of days," I replied.

We sat in silence for a few moments, before I finally mustered up the strength to break it. "How is he?" I asked, wondering if my husband was still my husband. Happy sighed, shifting in his seat towards me. "He's hanging in there. He's in a tight position right now, being split in two," he answered. "I wouldn't know," I responded, lighting a cigarette. "You know, he's had it tough. You left. Then Jax. He's trying to do right by everyone."

I sighed, nodding. Deep down, I know Chibs is trying his best. And I also know I'm not making it any easier for him. All of my insecurities were suffocating me, but they shouldn't be dragging him down with me. "Were you really dropping off Vicky or did he send you?" I asked, wondering if this really was a chance encounter. Happy smirked, shrugging. "He asked me about you and for once, I had no answers. You chose him, remember? Don't let the man think you changed your mind, forcing him to turn to the guy you used to sleep with for answers. Whether it's about the last 5 years or Lyla, you gotta put this shit to rest- one way or another."

Good old Happy. I stood up, motioning to my truck behind me. "I gotta go, put shit to rest and what not," I said, throwing him a small smile. He nodded at me, watching as I climbed into the truck and drove off. Whether or not Chibs had sent Happy, I knew I eventually needed to face him. I needed to decide what the future held for us. I needed to lead.

And so I stood in front of the heavy wood door, wondering what I would find on the other side. I had made my trek through the clubhouse safely, not running into any faces that would distract me from my current mission- Chibs. He opened the door, sleep written all over his face. "Jessie Mae," he said, quietly, stepping back and letting me inside the room. I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding in, realizing he was alone. What was I expecting to find? Lyla tied up in the bed with him?

"Hey," I said weakly, turning to face him as he closed the door behind him. Even after everything, he walked over to me and hugged me. I silenced all of the unspoken thoughts in my head and hugged him back, wrapping my arms around him tightly, inhaling his scent. It lingered all over the house, a constant reminder of who wasn't there. He pulled away, a hand cupping my cheek.

I had forgotten it all, how to love and be loved back. I had forgotten the lines on his face, the smile on his lips, and how he used to be a part of me. How did I let that happen? I asked myself as I stared into his eyes. How? A few years ago he was my beginning and my end. There wasn't a moment that my love for him didn't consume me- that every decision I made and action I took wasn't about him. He was my world. He was my everything.

"I'm sorry," I said, weakly, tears threatening to spill out. "I was scared and alone. I pushed you away because it was the only way I could hurt you as bad as I was hurting." Same coin, different side. Chibs shushed me, willing to quiet the ocean between us. "It's going to be okay, Jess. We'll get past this, together," he said. I could see the worry on his face, the sleepless nights that had taken a toll on him.

"I'm not that girl anymore, Chibs. The one from 5 years ago. I have no idea who I am now, no idea what I can even offer you anymore," I said. He sighed, his grip on me getting tighter. He forced me to look at him, his hair falling onto his forehead. "I loved you from that moment behind the clubhouse. I loved you when you left. Hell, I even loved you despite you and Happy. All of the shit we've survived together, this is just another bump in the road, love," he replied.

I reached up and grabbed the collar of his wrinkled shirt, drawing him down to me. I kissed him, my fingers lost in his hair, as his hands travelled down my back. He seemed hesitant, as if waiting for my approval before taking the next step. I stepped between his legs, pressing myself closer to him. He dug his fingers into my ass, moaning into my mouth as I grinded against him slowly.

He pulled away panting, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. "I'm a different person now, love. I'm not the same man you left behind when you went away. The weight I carry on these shoulders, it's heavy. It's suffocating. There's going to be times that you won't agree with what I do or say, but trust that it's for the best. For you, for Charming, for the club. I need to know you're in this, with me. With the club. I need to know that you coming here means you love me, no matter what," he said.

I took a step back, processing everything he had said. There it was again, the pull. I had fought against that pull for so many years. I had run away several times, and yet, here I was again. Facing it head on. I knew what he was asking- he wanted me to be the dutiful old lady. I had seen this song and dance play out several times before. He was asking me to be somebody I had never been able to.

"I chose you when I married you and I chose you when I took that deal, Chibs. I know you come with the club, it's a package deal whether I want it to be or not. I know that Andy has his life here now. I can't run away anymore, that's what this entire saga has been about. I can't promise that it will be easy, that I'll just sit quietly and play the role you think I should. What I can promise is to be here and never run again," I replied. I could still sense his hesitation, his eyes staring into mines, never wavering.

"Right now, in this moment- there is no where else I would rather be," I whispered, pulling him towards me. This needs to be enough for him, I don't have anything else to offer. I know myself well enough to know that I can't be what the club dictates. I can't just sit by and let the club control my life. I have a say in this, and right now, all I want is him. I reach up and start to unbutton his shirt, his hands dropping to my waist.

Chibs grips me hard, pulling his body against mine. I lift my face towards his and kiss him passionately. It was hot, wet and messy- the last 5 years of want and need rising to the surface. He met my every kiss, moaning as he pulsated against my leg. Chibs picked me up and walked us over to the bed, dropping me down gently before taking off his shirt. I pulled mine off, facing him only clad in a bra and jeans.

I reached up and unbuckled his belt, my fingers quickly remembering their way home. I stood up, ditching my pants. "I want this. I want you, now," I said, before he crushed his mouth on top of mine. We fell onto the bed, his fingers ripping off my underwear and sliding inside me. I moaned into his mouth, my body instantly relaxing against him. This was how it should always be, no matter what. This was the first time in 5 years that I actually felt safe and a woman.

He kissed me, his other hand softly trailing down my neck and shoulders, making me shiver. I gripped his strong arms, digging my nails into them and claiming what's mine. "Come for me, baby," he whispered, positioning himself at my entrance. "Be gentle," I whispered. I couldn't help myself, the bad thoughts were starting to creep back into my head. He gave me a small smile, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. "I love you, Jessie Mae."

Chibs entered me, filling every crevice of me. "Is this okay?" He whispered, grunting softly as he moved his hips against mine. I nodded, closing my eyes and drawing in slow breaths. I met his every move, my body relaxing into his and vibrating at his touch. It was that hot, soft and slow type of love making. His body covering mine, his head in the crook of my neck, my legs wrapped around his waist.

"Yes, baby," I moaned, into his ear. I could sense the urgency within him, as his hips sped up and his thrusts got harder. I felt that familiar tightening as an orgasm washed over me, my legs becoming stiff as I cried out his name. His fingers were lost in my hair, pulling tightly as I felt him quiver on top of me. He rolled off of me, panting, sweat glistening on his forehead.

"Welcome home."


	7. Long Gone

**Chapter 5**: Long Gone

I wasn't expecting her visit, but I couldn't deny that I was happy to see her. Wendy showed up that night, a ball cap drawn over her face as she embraced me. "Hi, hun," she said, her arms wrapped around me. "Sorry it took me so long, but I had to wait for the right time." I nodded, stepping aside and letting her enter the house. "Is Chibs here?" She asked quietly, as we sat down on the couch.

"No, he's out on a run," I answered, glancing over at the clock quickly, "he should be back in a couple of hours." The sun hadn't risen yet, so she was safe for now. "I can only stay for a bit, but I had to come see you. Make sure you were okay," Wendy said, shedding the hat and black sweater she was wearing. "How are you?" I asked, eager to hear everything about her new life. She nodded, smiling softly at me.

"Me? I'm good. Getting away from Charming has been… different, but good. The boys love it, playing outside, no more running away or living in fear," she answered. "How are you?" How was I? I was… trying to find my way. Trying to make sense of everything, without hitting the self-destruct button. "I'm okay, trying to adjust to it all. One day at a time, I guess," I replied. She reached over and placed my hands in hers. "I know, it's tough. Trying to get your old life back," she replied.

"Why are you here, Wendy? You're risking everything by being here," I asked. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated her making the trip, but there was a bigger picture at play here. She was charged with raising Thomas and Abel, keeping them away from their father's legacy- the family business. "I couldn't not come see you. At one point in my life, I considered you my best friend. I had to come make sure you were okay, that you survived the club."

I sighed, nodding slowly. "I'm still fighting to stay alive, Wendy. Andy is the only thing keeping me from losing my shit every day, but I owe him 5 years. I owe him the rest of my life, but the urge is still there, you know? Every day, I think about picking up that bottle- whiskey or the pills. Every day, I think about how simple it would be to just walk away from it all." It was true, every time I had a drink, I mentally told myself just one. Even though every time I did, I wanted more.

Wendy reached over and hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek. "You are stronger than you know. You have faced every challenge head on. You may have run every once in a while, but you always came back and handled it. This is not any different," she whispered. I had to admit it, she was right. Even after my encounter with Chibs, I still had doubts lingering in the back of my head. Was it about Lyla? The club? I still thought about where I would go, what I would do. How fast I could get out if I needed to.

"I have to go," she said, standing up and putting her hat back on. I nodded, standing up and walking her to the door. She turned and handed me a piece of paper. "In case things ever get so bad that you decide to run," she said, hugging me again. And with that she was gone. I stood on the steps, long after she had gone, walking up the dark street.

So there was life after Charming, huh?

* * *

I sat at the kitchen table, after dropping Andy off at school, a lit cigarette between my lips as I read the newspaper's job ads. I circled a few, some that were below my experience but would probably be okay with hiring a felon. Chibs walked into the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee. He sat across from me, grabbing the newspaper out of my hand and glancing at it.

He raised an eyebrow at me, before digging into his shirt pocket and pulling out his glasses. Chibs slid them on, reading the ads I had circled. "Receptionist? Dental office?" He asked, dropping the newspaper onto the table. "This is beneath you," he said, his glasses disappearing back into his pocket.

I scoffed, pointing at myself. "Did you think Stockton would offer me my old job back?" He shook his head, taking a sip of his coffee. "No, but I'll find something for you. At the garage or the day care, not some place where you're gonna make minimum wage putting up with people's shit," he replied. I shook my head, sliding the newspaper back towards me. "I want the minimum wage job. The one where no one knows who the fuck I am or cares what I spent the last couple of years doing," I said, standing up and pouring myself more coffee.

"Jessie Mae, you need to be in Charming, where I can protect you. Where Andy is," he said. I froze, turning my back to him, and staring out the kitchen window. I fought the urge to tell him to go fuck himself, stretching my neck out and drawing in a deep breath. "I need to do this, Chibs. I need to get out of this house. It reeks… of dirty prospects and unfulfilled dreams."

He stood up and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around me. He placed a soft kiss on my head and sighed. "This is going to be one of those times you won't agree with me, Jess," he whispered, pulling away from me. When I turned, he was sliding into his cut, his lips set in a straight line. "How did you think this was going to play out, me coming home? What are you expecting me to do for the rest of my life?" I asked, genuinely curious to know what it was that he wanted from me.

I sure as hell wasn't expecting to come home to the club and his love affair, but I also didn't know what to expect on the other side. "I don't know," he sighed, sighing, "I guess… just a wife, at home. Have some more kids, something to come home to every night. I'm tired of the loneliness, the quiet. The routine of coming home to nothing. I want you safe, within arm's length."

And there it was… the other shoe. I didn't even get a chance to respond, Chibs walking out of the room, putting an end to our conversation. I heard him rummage through the house, gathering his things, but I didn't follow. I didn't have a response that wouldn't lead to an all out war. I waited until I heard him ride down the street to turn back towards the counter, where I let out a loud scream.

* * *

I spent the next couple of days playing the doting wife as I waited for prospective employers to contact me about the recent job applications I had filled out, filling my time with Chibs and Andy. And how I hated it. I was the lovely housewife that Chibs expected me to be, but it was killing me on the inside. Dare I say it? I missed the action of filing and copying, sending meaningless faxes to even more meaningless people. I had exchanged the concrete walls of prison for the ceramic tiles in the kitchen. Fuck my life.

And that's how I ended up on the back porch, chain smoking cigarettes, sneaking sips from the whiskey bottle I had hidden in the dead rosebush. I turned back towards the house as the back door opened, the loud noises inside invading my solitude. Happy stepped towards me, nodding towards the cigarette. "Fifth one tonight. You okay?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

I smirked, turning back towards the darkness, stretching out my neck. How kind of him to notice. "I know it's not my place, but you need to talk to him," he said, quietly standing shoulder to shoulder with me. I nodded, he was right. Even though I had spent the last week pretending everything was okay, the distance between Chibs and me was getting bigger by the hour. I was going through the motions, a fake smile constantly plastered on my face. I wasn't fooling anyone. I was miserable, drowning.

I turned back towards the house, looking inside through the kitchen window. Andy, Chibs and Vicky sat at the table, making faces at their newborn baby, Noelle. "How do you do it? Keep it all together when you're dead inside," I asked, my eyes never leaving them. A quiet moment passed between us before he spoke. "I don't. She does all the heavy lifting. She keeps me coming back, keeps my head afloat when I can't do it anymore," he replied.

And there it was- I couldn't be her. I couldn't give Chibs what he wanted. An obedient wife, a family to come home to. I couldn't be any of that, I was dead inside. "Jess," he said, stepping behind me, his deep voice vibrating within me. "When you left, you were so sure that you wanted this, him. What changed?" My body shook as I let out a sob. "That day you ran into me at the hospital, I was there getting a work up. After everything that happened in there, the prison counselor said it would be best to get checked out," I whispered, my voice breaking.

His fingers laced through mine, offering me some type of comfort as he squeezed gently. I wiped away tears from my face and cleared my throat. "Long story short… I can't have any more kids. Antibiotics for a while, but the damage is done," I said. I drew in a deep breath, turning to face him. "I let it get to me, Happy. All those years, I let them eat away at me, and now I got nothing left to give."

Happy reached out, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly. "You just lost your way, baby girl. You've found your way home before and you will again," he whispered, rubbing my back. We stood there for a few moments, the silent night interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. We parted and turned to find Chibs and Vicky standing in the doorway. Neither looked too happy. "We should head home. The baby is getting fussy," she said, her voice flat.

Happy turned towards me, giving me a small smile, before following Vicky inside the house. Chibs stood there, watching me. At that moment, I felt naked under his stare. I turned away from him, staring up into the night sky, trying to gather what little strength I had left to face him. When I turned to face him, he was gone. Andy tucked into his bed, fast asleep and Chibs was long gone.


	8. Take Care

**Chapter 8: **Take Care

I felt the bed shift underneath me and turned to find him sitting on the edge, his head in his hands. I reached out, gently placing my hand on his shoulder. "Chibs," I whispered, tension rolling off of him in waves. He drew in a deep breath, sitting up straight and staring ahead of him.

"You left because I never paid attention, because I was never home. And now, I'm trying to pay attention. Making an effort to come home every night, and you… you still run to him. You don't want this life, you don't want me. So go, get your shit and go. We survived 5 years without you and we'll survivor another 5 more if necessary. But if you stay, this is it. Charming, the club, Andy, me. It's all a package deal. That's the way this is gonna go. You put that ring on your finger and you tell yourself whatever lie you need to hear to get your act together."

I sat up in bed, staring at the empty doorway, his footsteps disappearing into the house. Chibs had thrown down a gauntlet. He had made his position clear. I either got in line or I got gone. I pulled back the sheets and left the warmth of the bed, following him into the kitchen. The bottle I had hidden outside sat on the table, Chibs sitting across from it. I stood in front of him, drawing in slow breaths. "You're drinking. Having quiet conversations in dark corners with him. You doing drugs again? I found empty pill bottles in the garbage can. Back to your old tricks?"

I laughed, picking up the bottle and uncapping it. I took a slow gulp and sighed. "Is this about Happy? Or is this about me?" I said, sarcasm dripping out of my mouth. His bottom lip twitched as he slammed his hand down on the table. "I wish that for once, you would put yourself in my shoes. See the big picture from my point of view. See… how this shit is affecting me," he spat out. I scoffed. "See how it's affecting you? How? When exactly did you show me anything? You just expect me to be this perfect person that I'm not."

"I'm not expecting anything from you other than to be my wife. To be the woman that stood at that alter and made those vows to me," Chibs said. I laughed in response, this time harder, slamming the bottle back onto the table. "Is that what you want? The old me back?"

"Better than whatever the fuck crawled out of that prison," Chibs said, and I believed him. Silence lingered between us and I was having serious bouts of deja vu. I sat across from him, and we locked eyes. "You're not there. You're… pretending to be here, just going along with whatever is set in front of you," he said. I scoffed, laughing slightly.

"You basically told me to either get in line or fuck off. What is it that you want from me exactly?" I said, reaching over and brushing back his collar, revealing the small hickeys linings his neck. "What is it that you want from her?" I added, sitting back in my seat.

I wasn't stupid and the prospects were pretty dumb this time around. I had snuck out a few times and sat parked across from her house whenever he didn't come home. "You seem at home with them. Her kids, her house, her family. Dinner's on the table as soon as you walk through the door. A glass of whiskey and a cigarette waiting for you. And then a good night fuck before you slither your way back home to me."

His eyes dropped, lowering to the table. "If you must know, I'm not doing drugs and I'm not fucking Happy. He's concerned, just like you are. And the drinking, it's under control. A few sips here and there to keep myself busy," I said, before standing up and walking towards the door. I changed my mind before crossing the threshold, turning to face him again.

"I can't be…. her anymore. She's like a ghost haunting me. Every day, I wake up and I have to talk myself into giving a damn. I know I am better than this, Chibs. I know that in this world people come and go, in and out prison, every damn hour, and they somehow manage to get past it. This is the life that I chose when I walked back into Charming. But I can't shake it. I'm depressed. I'm lost. I'm angry. I take the fucking pills and nothing ever happens, nothing ever changes. So I drink here and there. I pretend that I give a damn about everything. I am trying to keep it together long enough to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with myself. With my old life. With you."

I sighed, secretly happy to have said those words. "The pills?" Chibs asked, his eyes finding mine. He wanted the truth, and I was ready to give it to him. "I got prescribed anti-depressants about a year ago, after my suicide attempt. I figured it was easier to just end it all instead of having to sit there and take it, over and over again. So the doc wrote me a nice little prescription that I never took. I figured I deserved every last bit of it. When I got out…. I made the choice to start taking them, for the sake of everyone involved."

Chibs stood up and crossed the distance between us. "Jessie Mae," he whispered, "you should've said something to me. I could've…" I nodded, throwing him a small smile. "There's nothing you could've done that Xanax and shitload of therapy couldn't do." He sighed, wrapping his arms around me. I let him, hiding my face in his chest and drawing in a deep breath.

"I can't be the Lyla or the Gemma in this scenario, Chibs. I'm too damaged. I see you with her, and I see you with Noelle and Andy. I can't give you that," I said against him, my voice cracking as I choked back tears. I grabbed onto his shirt, burrowing myself deeper into him. He held me tighter, running a hand over the back of my head. "There's something I need to tell you," I said, pulling away from him.

I drew in a deep breath, wiping away the tears on my face, before whatever little courage I had left me. "After everything that happened in there…" I cleared my throat, swallowing the wave of anxiety that was starting to rise up inside of me. "I can't have anymore kids. So there, that's everything, Chibs." I dared myself to look up from the floor and face him. There, that was everything. I was insane and barren. I was damned either way.

I could see the sadness in his red rimmed eyes, which was quickly replaced with anger. "So.. if you want to leave, start over somewhere else, with someone less damaged- I understand." There it was. The doubt that was constantly lingering in the back of my head. I should leave before he does. Before he realizes the pile of damaged goods he was married to. A mediocre mother, a felon, an addict that couldn't even manage to fake it long enough to get her shit together. This is what the rest of his like was going to look like.

"Leave?" He said, taking a step back and staring at me angrily. "Leave? Do you think that's a fucking choice?" Chibs scoffed, running a hand through his hair. "Do you think you were the only one that had it tough the last couple of years? Huh?" He exclaimed, walking over to the table and picking up the bottle. He stared at it for a beat, before twisting off the top and taking a long drink.

"Do you know how many friends, brothers, I had to bury. How much blood was spilled at my hands? There were days that I didn't think I would ever come home. All I could think about was what was going to happen to Andy. Days, sleep wouldn't come because I was haunted by everything around me. Nights, I sat up in bed and my hands wouldn't stop shaking, my mind wouldn't stop racing. And all I wanted was my wife, in bed with me. Someone, anyone, to just make it all go away. Yeah, you were in your own personal hell, but so was I," he ranted and raved, waving his arms around wildly.

He slammed the bottle back down on the table and stepped towards me. "So, no, I won't fucking leave," he yelled at me, "Will you?" I shrugged, biting my bottom lip. "I don't want to. This time around, Chibs- it's all on you. Your life, your choice. You know where I stand with everything, I have nothing left to hide, I barely have anything left to give. I'm sorry, for everything- for the last 5 years. Your pain, my pain- it was all because of a decision I made," I said, facing him.

He sighed, running a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, for making you feel like this house is just another prison. For Lyla. She was there for me, for Andy, when we had no one else to turn to. She was…" I laughed, all of it becoming clear to me. "Happy. She was your version of Happy," I said, finishing what he was struggling to say. This was a situation I completely understood.

Chibs nodded, shaking his head softly. "You still haven't answered my question," he said, quietly. I sighed, shaking my head softly. "I don't want to, but I also know from past experiences, that it won't work if it's forced, Chibs. This thing with you and Lyla, me and Charming- it just needs to play itself out, just how me and Happy did, me and you did. Time, we need time."

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then he closed it again, nodding slowly. I took a step towards him, wrapping my arms around him. I nestled my head on his shoulder as he wrapped himself himself around me. For the first time in a long time, I felt at home with him, a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

* * *

I shut the door quickly behind her and grabbed her by the hair, driving her head first into the top of the desk. Lyla groaned, as she rolled off the desk and fell to the floor, grabbing onto her bloody face. I glanced down to my hands, shaking lightly, as I drew in fast breaths. I closed my eyes, trying to keep the panic attack at bay. When I opened them, I found her staring up at me, her body cowering in fear.

"What was I supposed to do, turn him away?" She cried, quietly. I sighed, dropping down into the desk chair next to her. "Yes. You were supposed to say no. Those are the rules," I said, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a cigarette. Lyla scoffed, coughing and spitting out blood. "I know. Charming is your territory, but I couldn't say no. I couldn't turn him away. I know the rules and I know the consequences for breaking them," she replied.

"You're in love with him," I whispered, taking a pull on the cigarette. Lyla nodded, admitting the truth I already knew. She stood up from the floor, wiping the blood off of her face. I don't even really know why I came here today, I just knew it was something I was supposed to do. Even though I was at odds with

Chibs, I wasn't ready to give up on him yet.

I reached over and offered her the cigarette. She stared at my hand, hesitating before taking it from between my fingers. "Thank you, for taking care of them," I said, owing her at least that. Lyla scoffed, taking a pull from the cigarette. "You have a funny way of showing it," she muttered, sitting down in the chair across from me.

"What would you have done in my place?" I asked, thinking about her marriage to Opie, her history with the club. She shrugged, leaning back in her seat. "The same, or worse," she replied. I nodded before clearing my throat and standing up to head to the door. I stopped and turned back to face her. "Take care of him," I said, before leaving the room. I stood on the other side of the door, drawing in a deep breath.

Take care of him, just how they had all taken care of me.


	9. Forward

**Chapter 9: **Forward

I woke up that morning, actually happy- or happy adjacent. For once, I didn't dread getting up and getting Andy ready for the day. I didn't roll my eyes as I pulled up to the school and waited in the line of cars for morning drop-off. I was a woman on a mission, a woman with a purpose.

I sat in the outdated diner, spinning the ring on my finger, across from Jacob Hale as he looked over my resume. I had finally gotten a call back, after spending the last month filling out job applications left and right. With some creative responses from Chucky, I had almost jumped for joy when Hale & Associates had requested to meet for an interview.

He closed the folder in his hands and threw me that disgusting smile of his. "Well, you certainly have an interesting past," he said, pouring sugar into his coffee. I raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell he was talking about. I don't remember Chucky putting anything out of the ordinary in my newly revamped resume.

"What do you mean?" I asked, genuinely curious for some odd reason, even though I fully knew how big of a slimeball Jacob Hale was. He cleared his throat, leaning in towards me and smiling again. "Let's cut straight to the chase, shall we?" He said. I leaned back into my seat, trying to put distance between the two of us.

"I am fully aware of your sordid past, in Charming and with the Sons of Anarchy," Hale said, clasping his hands in front of me. "And that's why you called me," I added, nodding my head slowly. He shrugged, leaning back into his chair. "That's one of the reasons, but I do really need an assistant."

"And what are the other reasons?" I asked, taking a sip from my lukewarm coffee. "I need a ball buster, someone who will get things done, within the letter of the law. Charming is starting to turn around after some eventful years. Your husband has managed to keep the club from tearing up the town so far and we're just starting to heal. Business is up, the real estate value is starting to increase. Now's the time to start thinking big picture again," he said. I scoffed, realizing that this might have been a set-up from the beginning.

"And you think that by hiring me Charming will continue thriving?" I asked, choosing my words carefully. "No, I think that by hiring you I'll get Charming to trust again. In a fresh start, in me. Your husband keeps doing what he's doing. You help me start moving the town in a new direction." I laughed, expressing how ridiculous I thought his idea was. "I've been applying for jobs, for weeks. No one wants to work with a convicted felon, let alone do business with a man that employs one."

"Charming is a small town, it doesn't forget easily, but it always protects its own," he replied. "Am I supposed to be seriously considering this? Working with you? Half this town hates you," I said, rolling my eyes at him. "So you see, that's another reason why this union makes perfect sense. The half of the town that hates me, well they may actually listen to you- they are your peers, after all. I need someone who's gonna watch my back, someone who is street savvy."

I couldn't lie, his plan made some sense. Or maybe I just wanted something, anything to call my own. "Strict 9 to 5, benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation," I said, repeating what Chucky had told me to ask for. "9 to 5, with some over time here and there. 2 weeks," he countered. "Fine, but I want an extra $10,000 on the salary. The ball busting costs extra."

Hale locked eyes with me, as if pondering my request. "8, and you start tomorrow," he said, before standing up and leaving the table. I stared after him, releasing a breath I didn't even realize I was holding, and I smiled.

Chibs was not going to be happy about this.

* * *

-And needless to say, he wasn't.

I watched as he seethed with rage at the thought of me working for that scumbag Hale (his words, not mine). "Hell fucking no!" He shouted, walking away from me. I followed him into the living room, angry at the fact that he thought he could control me like that. "Um… you do realize that my father has been dead a long time, right? You really can't tell me what I can't and can do around here," I shouted at his back.

Chibs stopped abruptly, turning to face me. I jumped, as he crossed the space between us and grabbed my arm, digging his fingers into my skin. He glanced over his shoulder at Andy, as he at the coffee table doing his homework. "Chibs," I whispered, weakly, as he dragged me into the bedroom. He let go of my arm, turning to close the bedroom door behind him.

I could feel the anger rolling off of him in waves, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his eyes wild. "You're lucky he's right next door, Jessie. So fucking lucky…" He said, quietly. "Or what?" I spat out, daring him to do anything about my defiance. "Or what?" I repeated, louder this time, egging him on. I hadn't spent the last 5 years of my life backing down from anyone, and I wasn't about to start now. He glared at me, his hands in fists by his side. "What the fuck are you going to do that hasn't been done to me already?" I said, walking over to him and shoving him with all my weight.

He moved so quickly, causing me to gasp, as his hands grabbed onto my hair and drew my face inches away from his. "You ungrateful, selfish bitch," he said, shaking me. I clawed at his face, pushing away from him. Chibs threw me onto the bed, sitting down on the edge, grunting. I stared at his back, wondering what was next. "I cannot protect you if you're running around with that snake Hale," he said.

I stood up and faced him, wiping my face with my shirt. "I don't need to be protected. I spent the last 5 years watching my own back. I don't need you! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do this?" I shouted. Chibs laughed, staring at me wildly. "Is this what all of this is about? What are you trying to prove? That I'm the one that needs you?" It was my turn to laugh. "The only thing I am doing is trying to provide for myself, for my son. Have something other than these 4 walls, that by the way, aren't even mine or yours!"

"He's using you! You in his pocket means he can keep tabs on the club. It means he can use you and your association to me and the club as a way to keep the town in check," he replied. "Because I couldn't have done this on my own? I don't deserve this? I've survived on my own before!" I sighed, realizing he wasn't going to budge and neither was I. We were talking in circles- again. "Go take a shower, put dinner on the table, and forget about all of this," Chibs said.

My mouth dropped. He was giving me orders. Again. "You talk a good game about listening, about trying, but only if it works for you. Only if it helps your agenda for the club. So tell me- did you marry me and take those vows because it protected you? Marry the whore and stay out of jail? Or did you marry me because I actually mattered to you." At this point, my voice was quiet, my hands steady, as my heart tried to climb out through my throat.

His face went slack, as he searched for words. I looked down at my hand and removed my wedding ring, holding it up in front of him. "You should give this to a woman that will let you lead, even when she doesn't want to follow. I'll go take a shower and put dinner on the table, because I want to, not because you ordered it. And tomorrow, I'm going to drop off Andy at school and head over to my new job." I turned and opened the bedroom door, my foot set to cross the threshold.

"I failed. As a husband, a father, as a man. I couldn't protect you back then, but I'll die doing so now," he whispered, his voice cracking as he spoke. I turned back towards him, seeing the despair on his face. "Fiona. Kerriane. You. Andy. Jax. It's just a list that gets longer and longer every day." I stepped back inside the room and closed the door again, enveloping us in silence. "You chose this life, Chibs. You need to accept it, and carry the weight as gracefully as you can," I said, walking over to him, "it's what I'm trying to do."

As much as I hated his view of things and the club, I knew very well that Chibs couldn't be half in and half out. His life depended on it. He needed to have both feet firmly planted, or his would be the next funeral Charming would be hosting. I grabbed his cut by the shoulders and forced him to look at me. "I know that between the weight on your shoulders and the weight of your gun, there is little room for you to breathe. I am okay and I will be fine. I do not need you to worry about me, until I tell you to. What I need is for you to focus. You started out on this path to change Charming and the club, and now you need to finish it," I said.

I stared at him, imagining all the different outcomes before me. While I didn't want to bend to his will- it was one thing to defy him, and it was another to get him killed. "In my own fucked up way, I will always love you, Chibs," I whispered, bending down and placing a soft kiss on his cheek. I let go of him and exited the room.

I needed to keep moving forward.


	10. Need

**Chapter 10: **Need

It had been a while since we had spent time alone, Andy acting as a buffer during our awkward interactions. I had been so busy with work and Andy, that I had stopped doing the late night runs to Lyla's. Why did I even bother? To make sure he was okay? To punish myself? It wasn't worth the gas.

And so I embarked on my new path- one that I had chosen this time. Make breakfast. Drop Andy off at school. Grab a coffee and a muffin. Endless paperwork and meetings with Hale. Lunch break in the park across from the office. More paperwork. Pick up Andy. Homework. Dinner. Bedtime. A bottle of wine. This routine, as dull as it was, brought me some version of peace.

While lonely at times, it was stress free. I found myself surrounded by normal people, laughing at dumb memes they shared at business luncheons. I wasn't looking over my shoulder or worrying when the other shoe would drop. And every time I found myself relishing this feeling, I would think about Wendy's information written down on that piece of scrap paper. I would think about life after Charming.

* * *

Begrudgingly, okay- mostly because Venus threatened to kill me, I went to the club's BBQ after she spent hours complaining about how I had shut everyone out. I sighed, letting her drag me around the party until we ended up on a barstool, downing a shot of whiskey. "So, you gonna tell me what happened between you and the blonde?" Venus asked, sliding the empty shot glass towards the bartender. He quickly poured another round before disappearing towards the other end.

I raised my eyebrow at her and smirked. "We've come to a mutual understanding… for now," I said. She laughed, shaking her head slowly. "You enter the room and she quietly leaves?" I nodded, referring to the lack of interaction between us. When I arrived at the BBQ, Lyla and I locked eyes, before she bowed her head and disappeared.

"You okay with it? Him practically living at her place?" She asked. "What do you know about that?" Venus scoffed and shrugged. "You know the men gossip more than the old ladies," she replied. I laughed. "Tig," I replied. He had probably told her whatever he knew. It wasn't really club business, so he wasn't limited in what he could share. He must've taken full advantage to have something to talk to her about. "He was worried, wanted to know if I knew anything that he could use to help. He's worried about his pres."

"It it what it is. We can't seem to get on the same page anymore. We kept bumping heads over what he thinks my life should look like," I said, "I can't have anyone telling me how I should live. Not anymore." Venus threw me a small smile, before motioning behind me. I turned and found Happy standing there with his usual blank stare. "I need a word," he said, before turning on his heels and walking towards the exit.

I threw Venus a look before following him outside, where I found him climbing onto his bike. Happy turned towards me, holding out his spare bike helmet. I stared at it for a few moments, wondering where this would lead me. "Just trust me," he said, his voice quiet as ever. We locked eyes for a few moments, but I was confused by what I saw in his. Worry? Fear?

I steadied my hand as I accepted the helmet, strapping it on and climbing onto the bike. As we raced through Charming, I couldn't help but get excited at the thought of our little rendezvous. Not knowing where we were going, being kept in the dark by this handsome stranger, I was excited to do something that was going to break up the monotony of my life.

Happy turned onto a deserted road, driving down an unlit path until the road opened up to a cabin. The sound of crickets was deafening in the quiet night, as he turned the bike off and stood in front of me. "Where are we?" I asked, climbing off the bike and following him up the cabin steps. He turned abruptly, causing me to walk straight into his chest. "I did something," he whispered, his eyes on the ground.

"Are you okay?" I asked, panic rising inside of me. I took a step back, staring at him. I glanced around us, taking in the lack of lights and neighbors. "Happy, why are we here? What did you do?" I asked, stepping towards him, forcing him to look at me. "I love you, so I had to make it right," he said, stepping back and opening the door behind him.

I stepped inside the dimly lit cabin, and I felt the world disappear behind me as Happy closed the door. My breath caught in my throat and my heart was thumping loudly in my ears, as I took in the sight in front of me. There he was, tied to a chair, his face bloody and beaten. I felt the floor give way as I fell into a nearby chair, my body shaking.

My prison guard.

I glared at him, my chest rising and falling fast. I struggled to find the right words to express my utter confusion at the fact that he was sitting right in front of me. He grunted, struggling against the ropes that were binding him to the chair, his wet skin glistening in the moonlight. Happy crouched in front of me, his eyes finding mine. "I had to make it right, Jessie. I couldn't let him get away with it," he said, as if pleading with me to understand. And I did.

I nodded at Happy, tears slipping silently down my face. I stood up, walking over to him and facing him- the prison guard. I removed the rag that was stuffed inside his mouth, watching him silently. The guard spit at me before yelling at the top of his lungs. "You can do that until you turn blue, no one is going to find you," I said, knowing fully well that Happy had taken necessary precautions. This was not his first rodeo.

It felt like the calm after the storm, a stillness filling me up from the inside, out. "Simmons," I said quietly, pacing around him. "You fucking cunt," he struggled and screamed again, "you think you'll get away with this? You and your low life boyfriend!" I smirked, nodding slowly.

"And to think, I was worried about you not remembering me," I said, sarcastically. I reached over and punched him across the face, relishing the sound of his nose crunching against my fist. The room was filled with the sounds of him gasping for air, spitting out blood and groaning. "What do you want from me?" He kept repeating over and over again.

What did I want from him? From HIM? Nothing, I wanted literally nothing from him. I wanted him to die. My hands shook as I realized this was my plan all along. He was not leaving here. And I had the power to make that decision. My, how the script had been flipped.

"Tell me why and I'll walk away from all of this. You'll never have to see me again," I said, drawing a chair over to him and sitting down. Happy stood a few feet behind me, the ever watchful dog. Simmons spit blood out of his mouth and threw me a small smile. "You still haven't figured it out, huh? You are just as dumb as she thinks you are," he muttered, groaning.

My eyes stared at him, my ears pricking up. "Jarry," I said, my heart pounding in my chest. He laughed, nodding. "Your first week in, she showed up at my house. Gave me a fat envelope and said one would show up every week as long as I did her a few favors." I stood up, walking over to him and slapping him across the face.

"I had never done anything to you! You sold me out for some cash?" I yelled at him. Simmons groaned and shook his head. "At first she just wanted information, and then she started asking me to make sure you were having the time of your life," he said.

I spotted a knife on the table across from us and picked it up, holding it up to where he could clearly see it. "The time of my life?!" I spat out, before walking over to him and dragging the sharp knife across his cheek. I watched as the blood drops began to roll down his face.

"In the beginning, it was just making sure your food was being shorted, the worst toiletries, no internet access. But then she wanted more, beatings, torture." I moved the knife across his other cheek. Simmons groaned, pulling away from me. "Well, gee- thanks!" I said, sarcastically.

"You don't understand- I have a son. One time, I refused the envelope, and she showed up in person- drugged and tied up in her trunk. The crazy bitch lied her way into the school and signed him out. He's 14!" He began to cry, blubbering his way through different excuses. A part of me wanted to forgive him, hearing about his son almost bought him his freedom.

I dragged the knife down his arm, letting his screams vibrate through me. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know. I'll testify, I'll do whatever, just please- let me go," he begged. I sighed, slowly walking over to my previous seat and crossing my legs at the knees.

I was comfortable, almost at peace. I had the bastard who had tortured me for years, tied up in front of me. I had a line to Jarry. Things were finally coming together- in my favor. "Go ahead, let me hear what you got," I replied, looking over to make sure it was okay with Happy.

He nodded, his eyes never leaving Simmons. "She was livid when she heard about your little side business. That's when she told me to make sure you could never walk properly again. Ever since then, she's been on the warpath," he said. I nodded, realizing that Jarry had been behind everything. The last 5 years was a courtesy on her behalf.

"That's it? You think that piece of information will buy you good will, with ME?" He shook his head, groaning and struggling against his ties. "Promise me, that you'll let me go, please. I have a son that needs his father," he cried. I stood from my perch and walked over to him, crouching down in front of him.

I found his eyes and gave him a small smile. "I promise, if you help me find her," I said. He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "She stays at the Metro Inn when she comes to town. Under the fake name Alana Davis. She only calls from inside their rooms. She has some sort of deal worked out with the owner. She has friends in Stockton PD, they help him when things go astray." Bingo. It may be nothing, but it's all I got to go on now.

"Thank you," I said, smiling at him. I glanced down at my hand, and knew what had to be done. I needed to end this. "I'm letting you go now," I said, before reaching over and dragging the knife across his throat. I felt the entire room disappear around me, as I watched the blood drain out of him. I don't know how long I stood there, as the blood pooled around me.

When my legs felt like they were going to give way, I stood up and turned to face Happy, dropping the knife onto the floor. "You okay?" He asked, drawing my body into his. I nodded, feeling relief. He reached up and wiped some blood off my face. "Thank you, Happy," I whispered, reaching over and forcing him to look at me. "Thank you for releasing me."

Happy reached down and kissed me, his rough hands drawing me closer and closer to him, until we were fully pressed against each other. He pulled away from me, his hands on my shoulders, pushing me away. "Go home, Jessie," he said, turning his back on me, "I have to finish this." I sighed. "I want to stay here- with you," I said. He locked eyes with me, shaking his head softly. "Go home, before we do something we'll regret." Wait, what? "Because the dead body in front of us isn't enough? Or is this about Chibs?"

He sighed, lighting a cigarette and taking a deep pull. "You cannot tell Chibs about this," he said, motioning to Simmons, "he asks- we went and got some drinks, the end." I scoffed. Why the secrecy amongst brothers? Why was he so eager to put distance between us? "He didn't want you coming after Simmons. He voted it down," I said, knowing fully well that while Happy was a loyal, old dog, he was also a stubborn one. Happy sighed, running a hand over his head.

I walked over to the nearby couch and picked up the tarp that lay on it, making my way back over to Simmons. I dropped the tarp over his dead body, a million questions in my head- whose cabin was this, how did he find Simmons, did he know it would lead to Jarry, and so on. "What do we do with him now?" I asked, needing answers for the loudest one first. "Go home, Jessie. Put all of this behind you," he said, walking over to the body and beginning to wrap the tarp around it.

I glanced down at my blood tinged hands and closed my eyes, drawing in a deep breath as my hands softly shook. "I need to see this through," I said quietly, knowing that I wanted to be the one that patted the final mound of dirt on top of him. When I opened my eyes, Happy stood in front of me. He reached over and took my hand, walking me over to the body. We moved in silence, wrapping Simmons up in the tarp and then beginning the daunting task of bleaching everything down.

I stood in the shower, almost an hour later, the steamy water pounding my back as I leaned my forehead against the cool tiles. I heard the cabin's bathroom door open behind me, as footsteps entered the room. I didn't even need to open my eyes, I knew the sounds fairly well. Heavy boots dropping onto the floor. The jingle and jangle of keys and chains. The clink and clanks of rings being placed on the sink countertop. The thud of the leather cut hitting the toilet seat cover. The curtain opening and closing softly behind me.

I didn't move, his rough hands appearing on my lower back oh so gently. Even though it had been years, my body had definitely not forgotten him, as I arched my back and placed my hands up on the tiles in front of me. He spread my legs, sliding underneath me and entering me slowly. I moaned loudly as his hands wrapped around my front and grasped my breasts.

A few moments later, he leaned against me, breathless. Happy placed soft kisses on me until the water ran cold. We climbed out of the shower and dressed in silence. Maybe is awkwardness, tension, or maybe it was the calm that was exploding within me- but not another word was spoken for the rest of the night. And it was just what I needed.


	11. Real

**Chapter 11: **Real

I woke up the next morning, rested. As I poured myself a cup of coffee, I couldn't fully remember the last time I had such a great night's sleep. Maybe it was committing a murder? Adultery? Who knows, but I found myself smiling as I stared out the kitchen window. And let's not forget- I had somewhere to start, at least, a way to find HER. Stockton. The motel owner. She was close, I just needed to be faster than her. Smarter than her.

"Morning," Chibs spat out, as he entered through the kitchen's side door. I raised my cup of coffee towards him and threw him a small smile, before returning my focus to the world outside. I briefly imagined how he would react if I told him everything that had happened over the last few days. The different scenarios all led me to one conclusion- keep your mouth shut. He grunted, disappearing into the bedroom and returning a few moments later. "Where is Andy?" He asked, stopping in front of the counter and pouring himself a cup of coffee. "School, he took the bus this morning. Buys me an extra 15 minutes in bed, before I have to get up to get ready for work," I replied.

I could feel the vibe in the room change as I brought up the topic of work. We still hadn't spoken about Hale and the job since our last blow up surrounding it. "How goes the ole' 9 to 5?" I heard him chuckle behind me, and I could only imagine the sarcastic look on his face. "You tell me, don't you work a 9 to 5, as well? Oh, wait- that's a different 9 to 5," I spat back, turning to face him. Chibs threw me a small smile before heading towards the exit. "You were out late last night," he said, stopping in the doorway. Fucking prospects watching the house.

I laughed, turning back to the window. "You're out late every night," I threw back, taking a sip of my coffee. "The difference is that she isn't married, with a kid, Jessie Mae," he said. I drew in a deep breath and turned to face him, locking eyes with him. "No, but you are," I said. We held a stare for a few moments, before he nodded slowly and exited the room. I turned back to the window, the peace inside of me long gone. Now it was replaced with images of Noelle and Vicky, waiting on Happy to eat dinner. I'm a real shitty person.

* * *

I jumped as I felt him move behind me, drawing me out of my own thoughts. Happy. I turned to face him, leaning against my father's headstone and sighing. "Why the secrecy?" I asked, drawing my jacket around me, a chilly wind starting to pick up in the cemetery. "I want to talk to you about that night," he said, placing his sunglasses on the top of his head. "There's not much left to talk about, Hap. We crossed the line, I get it but thank you -"

"No, I mean the guard. I want to talk about what the guard said, about you," he said, slowly. I exhaled and shrugged my shoulders. "What about it?" I asked. He sarcastically shrugged his shoulders and motioned around us. "Seems to me like you left out some bits and pieces about the last year couple of years, so why don't you fill me in." I groaned, running a hand over my face.

"Can we not? Let's just focus on the fact that we have a line on Jarry, a place to start digging and asking questions," I said. Happy stepped towards me, his face blank. "Don't bullshit me, Jessie Mae. That guard, he knew things about you," he said. I shook my head, and turned back to the headstone. Fuck! I knew some shit like this would happen eventually. "Jessie!" He yelled at me, grabbing my arm and forcing me to turn back to him. "Talk to me," he said, firmly.

I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I….I," I stammered, trying to will the words to come out. "A few months after I went in, Danny reached out. It started with letters, then phone calls, then visits. It was harmless in the beginning, but then…" Happy sighed. "You started a relationship with him," he said, quietly.

"I… I needed some pull on the inside. I started asking him for favors, contraband, and next thing I know, I'm smuggling in goods and making a profit." He shook his head, turning his back on me and pacing. "He hung you out to dry and you kept in contact with him?" He asked. I scoffed, shaking my head. "Yeah, he may not have decided to help me commit a crime, but he sure as hell came through when I needed him!"

"Needed him?" Happy stopped pacing and faced me. "Are you kidding me? He turned his back on you- he's a coward!" I chuckled, holding my hands up in front of me. "He made a decision not to incriminate himself, not to risk his future and everything he worked so hard to get. I cannot blame him for having the balls to believe in himself and choose what was right for him," I replied. Happy stared at me like I had grown two additional heads throughout this conversation. "And you? I thought you made your decision as well."

I sighed, dropping my arms and leaning against the headstone behind me. "I did, I had. But he kept trying and I couldn't blame him for what happened. I chose to take that deal, to kill that guard. I couldn't be mad at anyone but myself, so I answered his letters. I was lonely, and he was nice," I said. Happy walked over to me, his hands lost deep inside his pockets.

"Jessie.. What did you do?" He asked. "I...a few months after turning myself in, I guess Patterson started digging into Stockton PD. He had an old partner that was dirty and he got wrapped up in it. He got written up, docked, placed on desk duty and his perfect record was tarnished. Even though his partner got kicked off the force, the damage was done. At first it was just us catching up and then I confided in him about what was going on. If I was going to survive, I needed to grease the wheels. I knew the club didn't have money and I had no protection on the inside, so… he used what little connections and friends he had left in the PD to help me smuggle in contraband into the prison. From there, I was able to sell and collect favors. Simmons was the only guard that held out, the others took the cash and steered clear of me, but he refused. At least now we know why," I said.

Happy's eyes were focused on the ground in front of him, his brows furrowed together. I could tell he was thinking about something, his face sad and his body tense. I hopped off the headstone and walked to him, placing a hand on his arm. He pulled away from me, clearing his throat. He was mad I went to Danny and not him. Or maybe it was the fact that I got wrapped up in the shit surrounding Charming again. "We need to start digging into the motel owner, see if we can find out who her PD connect is. Do you think he can help you out with that?" Happy asked, his tone short.

I nodded, holding my head up high and finding his eyes. "I called him last night, and arranged a meeting for tonight," I said. Happy nodded, averting his eyes. "You going to tell Chibs about this?" I sighed, shaking my head. "Telling Chibs about Danny is only gonna make keeping Simmons a secret, harder. As of right now, there's nothing to tell him. Just another body for him to carry on his conscience, so we wait until we actually have something concrete on Jarry."

He took a few steps away, cracking his knuckles. "What's the plan? You get cozy again until he gives you something we can use?" He asked. "That's the plan," I said, nodding. Happy continued to pace in silence. "What's your concern?" I asked, knowing we had to move everything along. I stood there in silence, waiting for him to speak. Eventually, after a few moments, he spoke. "That's neither here nor there. Just be safe tonight," he said. And with that, he was gone, leaving me feeling real confused.

* * *

I sat at my usual lunch spot, on the bench in the park, across from the office. She appeared out of thin air, sitting down next to me, not a hair out of place. Patterson. I glanced at her over my sunglasses and smirked. This was the last person I would've ever wanted to run into, not even a week after murdering Simmons. I was having serious deja vu.

"Good afternoon. I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced," she said. I chuckled to myself, putting down my sandwich on the spot next to me and turning to face her. "It's been a while, good to see you doing well," I responded. We stared at each other for a while, until she cleared her throat. "You seem to be doing well," she said, her voice dripping with unanswered questions. I sighed, nodding slowly. "Things are looking up," I replied.

"You stopped taking my visits," she added, after a while. I shrugged. "Seemed like your good deeds could be better utilized somewhere else," I replied. She turned towards me, her lips set in a straight line. "I was trying to help you, make sure you survived in there," she said. I sighed, running a hand over my face. "You were trying to get me to flip on the club. You were buttering me up in hopes that I would give you something that you could use. Let me be clear, nothing has changed on my end."

Patterson sighed, turning and facing forward. "I know I didn't do a good job of protecting you in there, but I tried. I visited, I sat and I listened. That's more than what they ever did for you," she said. "You told everyone about my ties to SAMCRO, you labeled me the gang member, remember? You made sure no one with ties to SAMCRO or any other organization would be able to visit me. That was all you." Patterson laughed, standing up from her seat.

Always well put together, she stood in front of me and arranged her suit jacket. "And what about Chibs? His spousal privilege trumps all that. I went through those logs- maybe 2 or 3 visits in 5 years. 5 YEARS!" She exclaimed. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a business card, handing it to me. "For when you need a real friend," she said, before walking away and leaving me to ponder what a real friend was.


	12. Whatever It Takes

**Chapter 12: **Whatever It Takes

I heard the front door open behind me and I pulled the robe around me tighter, a lit cigarette dangling from my lips, as I sat at the kitchen table. Chibs appeared next to me, sighing, and taking a seat across from me. He hung his cut on the chair, and clasped his hands in front of me. I don't know if it was my wet hair or the cold night air coming off of him, but a chill ran through me as I found his eyes.

Chibs glanced down at the hall full glass of whiskey in front of me and raised an eyebrow, nodding slowly. "Seems like I keep missing you," he said, reaching over and taking my cigarette into his fingers. I sighed, leaning back into my chair and crossing my arms across my chest. "You've been busy, in and out of the house, all hours. Andy's been spending a lot time down at the compound."

I sighed, rolling my eyes at him. "Then it seems like you can use all the extra time you seem to have to be following me around, to be with your son," I retorted. I slightly jumped, as Chibs slammed his hand down on the table. I closed my eyes tight, as I drew in a slow breath. "Spare me, Chibs- I really cannot have this discussion right now," I said, shaking my head slowly.

I could feel him starting to wind up as he stood up and glared at me. "I am really trying here, Jessie Mae, to make whatever this is, work. Some how, some way- this shit needs to end. You tell me you can't be the Gemma or the Lyla, but who the fuck can you be? Do you even know who you are?"

No, I fucking don't. "This is the shit Jax struggled with, huh? The wife who one day wanted to be okay with it all, then the next day she was fucking shitting bricks," he exclaimed wildly, running a hand over his face. I just sat there in silence and watched him self-destruct. "I am trying to find the balance, Jessie, between being a decent husband and being an outlaw. And you are just this angry mess every time I see you. And the worst part is that Andy doesn't even know the difference between you being home and you being back in prison."

But in reality, he was the one that was watching me self-destruct. My heart skipped, and my breath hitched in my throat, as I processed that last sentence. I felt my face begin to get hot as I blinked back tears, and drew in short breaths. My hands shook as I pulled the bathrobe as tight as it would go, trying as hard as I could to disappear in front of him. I nodded, struggling to stop the inevitable. I knew the wall was going to crack any minute now, especially after the last few weeks of lies and deceit.

Chibs sat back down at the table, absolutely enraged. "You have nothing to say?" He spat out. Oh, I was trying. I kept opening and closing my mouth over and over again, but no words were coming out. Only images of spending the last few weeks in my pretend relationship with Danny. And the images of working overtime to keep Happy… well happy- the constant reassuring, the small glances here and there. And the images of lying to Chibs and hiding from the club during my secret rendezvous. Oh and let's not forget the guilt- Andy.

"I just need some time," I half-whispered, "to figure shit out." Chibs scoffed, and shook his head slowly. "I don't understand what it is that you need to figure out." I locked eyes with him and at that moment the truth was starting to crawl out from within me, but all that came out was a sob. He sat there, and took every sob that came out. I'm pretty sure he was seconds away from having me committed.

After a few moments, once I had managed to calm down long enough to catch my breath, he spoke again. "There is clearly something I don't know, something I am missing." I looked away, not trusting myself to speak again. "Are you safe? Are you okay?" I nodded, raising my eyes to his. "Do I need to worry?" My eyes went right. "Do you want to talk?" Now they went left, as I shook my head slightly. I do, but telling you what's been going on these last couple of weeks would only make things worse.

Chibs sighed, standing up and slipping back into his cut. He knelt in front of me, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. "I love you. I loved you when you ran away oh so many years ago. I loved you when you came back. I loved you when you got locked up. And I still love you, Jessie Mae, after all of that. You know no matter what, I'll always come if you call."

I watched as he left the room and shut the back door behind him quietly, sealing me in with my deafening thoughts. I reached over and took a sip of the whiskey, my hand still shaky. I cleared my throat, wiping my face. "I forgive you for Jarry," I whispered, finally understanding everything.

* * *

Andy stood up from the backyard picnic table and ran over to the swings. He promptly climbed onto one and began to swing himself, singing some generic tv commercial we had seen earlier this morning. I sighed as I watched him, thinking about what was next. "What's wrong?" Happy asked, as he sat down next to me. I leaned my head on his shoulder, my eyes never leaving Andy.

"Nothing and everything," I whispered back. He scoffed and I could only imagine him rolling his eyes at my response. "When do you see him next?" I shrugged, silence becoming my new best friend. What did he care for? He was only making the situation tenser. "Not sure. I've been swamped at work. Been having to stay late most nights." Happy chuckled, shaking his head slowly. "You think I don't know that you've been with him every night. NOT at work."

I peeled my eyes off of Andy and turned to look at him. I found his eyes boring a hole into me. "You may have lost the prospects, but I always know where to look," he said, slowly. I ran a hand nervously over the back of my head and sighed. "All these years, I blamed him. Chibs, for bringing that woman into our lives. For not standing up to the club and saying no. But I never put myself in his shoes, saw how much he was suffering. The guilt of lying to everyone around you, of ruining someone's life. I just hated him, put him through hell over it. And my karma is that now I am him. I am Chibs and Danny is Jarry," I said, my eyes wandering back over to Andy again.

Happy sighed and shifted in his seat. He tapped lightly on the table, drawing my eyes back to him. "This is the same shit we all go through, the pull between the club and our personal lives. This is the messiness that comes with being human- emotions. You need to decide what this is worth to you. Will carrying through with this bring you any peace of mind? Will it help you sleep better at night? If not, drop it."

I scoffed. If it were only so easy to do so. I had thought about it, time and time again. I wanted to walk away, just to avoid the "messiness" of it, but I also needed closure. Deep down, that's what I felt that I needed to move on with my life. "One more time, Happy. I've already laid the foundation, I just need more time," I replied, determined to find Jarry.

"Has he found anything?" Happy asked. I nodded and then shrugged. "Some stuff. I've been stringing him along, dropping hints here and there, and he finally got it. He's curious as to what happened to her, how she could just disappear of the face of the planet, without a trace. He's been making calls to old friends from the academy. Getting bits and pieces about her, finally landed on a cousin outside of town."

Happy nodded, running a hand over his scruff. "And what happens when we find her? What happens to him? To her?" He asked. I sighed, turning back to Andy. "I do whatever it takes." And in that moment- I meant it. I would do whatever it took to get to her. Damned were the ones that stood in my way.


	13. Sorry

**Chapter 13: **Sorry

I logged out of my computer, the last email of the day hastily on it's way to some flooring company in town. I sighed, picking up my phone and flipping through the countless notifications I had ignored throughout the day. "Fuck," I whispered, seeing all the text messages I had missed from Chibs. I was late to make dinner for Andy tonight.

In a sad attempt to keep the peace between us, we were alternating nights at home with Andy, and tonight was my night. I sighed, replying back to Chibs that I was sorry and that I was on my way. I was running out of the office and hustling to my car when I heard my phone ping in my back pocket. I grabbed it and scanned the screen, anticipating a barrage of insults from Chibs.

I'M OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEK, BUT I HAVE SOME INFO YOU MIGHT FIND INTERESTING. LET'S MEET UP NEXT WEEK. I FOUND HER.

I stopped in my tracks, my heart pounding in my chest. I gasped, reading Danny's text message over and over again. I drew in a deep breath and I tried to steady my shaking hands as I replied back to him. BE SAFE BABE. SEE YOU SOON.

He fucking found her.

* * *

The last time he showed up like this, it flowed right out of me. As he walked into the bedroom, the thuds from his heavy boots echoing off of the walls, I wondered if I was capable of doing it once again. If I could bring even a splash of peace for the coming storm.

It felt all too comfortable, almost automatic to me. Chibs sat down on the edge of the bed, his back to me. He dropped his head into his hands, and I could tell by the way his shoulders shook lightly, that he was crying. I sat up on the bed, making my way towards him, a hand on his shoulder. I waited until it passed and he could finally catch his breath again, his hands wiping away the tears that had escaped.

"I'm sorry… I couldn't go to her like this," he whispered, his voice broken and heavy. I nodded, sitting down next to him, our dimly lit shadows dancing on the walls around us. I watched as he blinked back more tears, struggling to maintain his composure. "It's okay," I whispered, my hand finding his as I intertwined our fingers together. And that's when I saw it- the blood drops.

"Chibs….," I whispered, my eyes following the drops. I reached over and opened his cut, finding more blood on his shirt. His eyes found mine as he blinked. "It couldn't be helped...I'm a fucking monster," he sobbed. I knew deep down how much he suffered every time a life was lost at the expense of the club. "What can I do?" I asked. He reached inside his cut and pulled out a half drunk whiskey bottle.

He pulled his hand away and uncapped the bottle before bringing it to his lips and downing a big gulp. He turned towards me, his hair falling into his eyes. I reached up to push it back and he placed the side of his face into my palm. "Just be… here," he whispered, closing his eyes.

I nodded, rubbing my fingers against his skin gently. "I'm here," I whispered back, and I meant it. Instinct took over, as I kneeled down to remove his boots. He stood up, letting me take his clothes off. Chibs followed me into the bathroom, sliding into the hot bath I had drawn for him.

He lit a cigarette and clutched the bottle to his chest, his eyes closed as he leaned his head back. I stood in the doorway, watching silently, scared for him. What would happen next? Was this the death that broke him? Were the cops waiting for him on the other side of the door? Was I just supposed to pick up where we left all those years ago? Play the dutiful wife?

I broke out of my trance and grabbed his clothes off the bedroom floor. I stood in front of the washing machine a minute later and studied the blood drops on his shirt. I sighed, leaning against the machine and contemplating all of the different scenarios that could've possibly lead to the broken man that was currently in the tub.

A knock on the front door snapped me out of my thoughts. I shoved the clothes into the washing machine and flicked it on before trudging to the front of the house. I reluctantly opened the door and found Tig standing on the doormat. "Hey," he said, his voice quiet. I stepped aside and let him inside, figuring this late night visit was for Chibs.

"How is he?" Tig asked quietly, glancing around the room. He motioned to the kitchen, and walked towards it. I stared at his retreating back, before following him. This visit was for me. "He's…. okay," I said, leaning against the counter and crossing my arms over my chest, not really knowing how much information to divulge.

"He's not and it's okay to tell me the truth," Tig said, sitting on the edge of the kitchen table. I sighed, shaking my head slightly. I knew better than to tell anyone about Chib's current state. Tyler, Chibs, my dad- you never share a club member's pillow talk. "Tig… don't put me in that position. After everything I've done for the club, and vice versa, you know where my loyalties lie," I said. Even though Chibs and I were on the outs, I would protect him no matter what. I took an oath. I was his old lady. I knew the repercussions of opening my mouth.

Tig scoffed, nodding. "Glad to hear that, sister. He needs you right now, you know. He's different since you came home. Not bad, but just different. It's like he knows you will make everything okay, no matter what. Tonight, he acted first and then thought about the consequences later," he said. I clamped my eyes shut and sighed.

"Plausible deniability, Tig," I responded. The less I knew, the better. Tig sighed, stepping away from the table and towards me. "Fix him up. Get him back on the road. He needs this," he said, before leaning in and kissing me on the forehead. I kept my stand and waited until the front door closed behind him before making my way back to Chibs.

He was standing in front of the tub, drying off, when I walked into the room. I walked up to him, grabbing a hand towel from the rack, and standing behind him. I reached up and began drying his hair, knowing that it would relax him. I stepped around him, facing him, and he dropped his head on my shoulder, closing the distance between us.

I felt his arms wrap around me, and he pulled me against his moist body. I combed his hair with my fingers, inhaling the smell of his body wash. It had been a while since I had come into contact with his smell. Every so often, I would stare at the bottle sitting on the bathtub ledge, and wondered if he would ever come back home to use it. And here he was now.

Dripping in despair and drowning in his sadness. And I was loving it- that he chose me. "What did Tig want?" He asked, his head still hidden in the crook of my neck and shoulder. "He wanted to make sure you made it home okay," I replied. He pulled away from me, his eyes finding mine. "And did I?" He asked. I nodded, throwing him a small smile and reaching up to rearrange the hair that had fallen into his eyes. "You always do."

He sighed, throwing me a small smile. "Always, love, I'll always come home to you," he said. But would he? What if tonight had gone differently? Would he be at Lyla's house, in her bed instead? Or did he come because he knew I would hide any evidence of his whereabouts tonight? Did he need a solid alibi- at home with his wife and kid?

He reached out and pulled me towards him, bending down and placing a tender kiss on my lips. I closed my eyes and relished the feeling of him on me. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around him, trying to meld our bodies together.

Maybe it was the stress of living my double life. Maybe it was the fact that this broken man chose me in his time of need. Maybe it was the prescription pills. Maybe it was knowing that I had finally had a chance at getting my hands around Jarry's neck. But at that moment, I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything. I just was.

As we kissed and danced towards the bed, I thought about my entire past with him. My life. That's what Chibs had offered me. I was lost without Tyler. He fixed my broken heart and somewhere along the line I had lost my way. I let the outside world make me forget what I had by my side the entire time. Was Happy a mistake? No. He was…. to this day I can't explain it. The pull that man has on me.

But that didn't matter, not right now at least. I let Chibs pick me up and drop me on the bed, his eyes glazing over my body. "You're still as beautiful as the day I met you behind the bar," he whispered, his hands sliding up and down my thighs. A shiver ran through me, as I arched my back towards him. "I was spinning out so bad at that party. Felt so awkward and nervous to be there, but I needed to see you. I needed your eyes on me," I replied.

Chibs smirked, sighing. He laid between my legs, skimming my stomach with his fingertips. "And now?" He asked, his eyes focused on my face. Yeah, what about now! Right now, I felt at peace. Right now, I wanted to melt into him. Right now, I wanted my forever to be him. "I'm still that girl behind the bar," I whispered, placing my finger under his chin and moving him up my body.

I kissed him deeply, as his hands frantically pushed my underwear down my legs. He slid inside me, filling me. I could feel him pulsate as he thrusted in and out of me, my legs wrapped around his waist. I moaned loudly, my mouth lost in his neck. "I fucking love you, Jessie Mae," he moaned, sliding in and out. He rolled away from me once he had climaxed, and reached over and grabbed my hand in his.

I don't know how long we laid like that, but when I woke up I was nestled into his side, and it felt like the last 5 years hadn't happened. It was like we were in an alternate reality. I slid out from under him, deciding to let him sleep. I quietly made pancakes for breakfast and sat with Andy on the couch, watching the Saturday morning cartoons with him like we were a normal family. A few hours later, I was in the kitchenI cleaning up the dishes when he appeared behind me, his cut back on his shoulders.

"Tig had some interesting things to say," he said, leaning against the counter beside me. I sighed, scrubbing a plate. "He had some interesting questions," I said, rinsing it off. He crossed his arms across his chest and nodded. "I know. He was testing you," he replied. I froze, dropping the pot that was in my hand. "Excuse me?" I exclaimed, turning to face him.

Chibs sucked his teeth and nodded. "After everything, Chibs- everything!" I said to him. He slid two fingers into his pocket, and slid them out slowly. Fuck, I muttered to myself, shaking my head. I grabbed a kitchen towel and began to dry my hands slowly. "After I found this, we had a lot of questions," he said.

I sighed, throwing the towel on the counter and mimicked his current stance. "So you should've just asked," I replied. Chibs nodded, and shrugged his shoulders. "We haven't been able to do much talking since you got out. We yell, we fight, we scream. But we never talk," he said. "We'll we're talking now."

He sighed, staring pensively into the wall across from him. "Patterson? You working with her?" He asked. I chuckled, shaking my head. "I know I should be upset about the fact that you don't trust me enough not to question my loyalty. After everything I've done for this club- lie, steal, murder, I would think you knew were my loyalties lied. With the club. With you. You! Everything I have done and do leads me back to you. I would never do anything to jeopardize you or the club," I said.

"Yeah, just how you took that deal behind my back. You were working with her then," he said, scoffing. I stepped away from the counter, standing directly in front of him. "I did that to protect you and the club, from something I did. It was the least I could do," I said, slowly as if to drive the point home. "So why is she back in Charming after all these years? What does she want?"

I shrugged and chuckled. "What the hell do I know? She kept checking in on me in prison. I figured she just felt bad for me, after everything," I said. Chibs scoffed and threw his hands in the air. "Out of the goodness of her heart!" He exclaimed. I motioned around me, at my half-assed attempt at keeping a clean home. "Hey! I came home. I did my time. And I'm still here. She did nothing for me while I was locked up. She would just show up and she would ask if I was okay."

"That was it? She never asked you for any information about the club?" He asked, stepping closer to me. "She asked and I never answered. I stuck to the script the entire time," I spat out. Why didn't he trust me? After everything, this was what I had earned? I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath, trying to keep my anger in check. We were talking, I kept repeating to myself, knowing fully well that if I didn't try my hardest to not spin out, we would be yelling soon enough.

Chibs nodded, taking a step back to lean against the counter again. "She never left town after Jax. Kept popping up time and time again, making it difficult for us to see Jax's plan through," he muttered, running his hands over his face. "What plan?" I asked, genuinely curious about what had transpired while I was gone.

"To get out of guns. Move the club into legitimate businesses. Stop the blood shed," he said, "It took a lot to sever ties, to get to where we are now." He crossed his arms again and stared at me intently. "I didn't say anything, Chibs. I did my time and I came home. I didn't even entertain her when she came to see me. I think deep down inside she feels guilty about Tara. She's just projecting her shit onto me."

He bit his bottom lip and sighed. "I stopped visiting, because I was scared shitless. Seeing you like that when I went to visit- it broke me. I couldn't close my eyes, all I would see was you lying there bloody. Just like Tara. I was walking around a free man, with my son, my brothers. I had Lyla, Andy, Tig, even Happy. And you- no one."

And there it was, the answer to the question I kept asking myself over and over again. "And now?" I asked, my voice small. Chibs sighed, stepping towards me. He reached over and caressed my face with his hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered, before bending down and placing a soft kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly. By the time I exhaled, he was headed out the door.


End file.
